frustrations

It has been 4 months since graduation. jobless and losing autonomy in my own life is the greatest frustruation currently.
the asian family culture is to brush everything under the carpet. there are countless times whereby i expressed my wishes about my future plans. i wasnt going into some crazy ideas, i wasnt going to do drugs or anything illegal. many people would laugh at my humble request. i wanted to be left alone, to read and to spend some time with myself. as much as this is a logical and acceptable request in the modern world, something discussed about frequently in palliative care, and very much encouraged in buddhism, these are still strange requests in the times of very conservative relatives.
i had graduated and i was on the path of becoming a real doctor yet my household still thinks i an a little kid, one to dote on and to controlled. people who thinks that they know what i want best is an idiot. they have failed to realise that this is the root cause of all rebellions and suffering. why cant there be mutual respect on both sides? i blame this on the asian culture and i blame myself for being a visionary of my own life.

no wonder medical schools counsel the family before admission. i have given up explaining what i do to anyone and that continous learning is the core of medicine. as a friend rightly quoted 'the nearest and dearest to us are the most difficult ones'.

this is going to be a continous battle. one that chews off my sanity and psychological well being.
empathy was my key strategy but now its still going nowhere.
to what extend this should be tolerated i wonder.

reading pleasures

There is alot of catch up reading to be done these few weeks.
With idleness comes boredom. there is never a time worse than now whereby i feel ive lost my purpose of life.
last week, my convocation date has been set. honestly i do not feel as accomplished as when the results were released. i sometimes doubt if i ever attended medical school. just last week during physio session, i saw a patient with boots for her ankle. i asked myself what could be the diagnosis and its a shame that i couldnt recall. medical knowledge has evaporated.

these stories aside, i have been reading atul gawande's latest book called being mortal. i have to say this is the best book hes written so far.
i can relate easily to what hes trying to say because of my mobility issues. i understood how scary it is to lose autonomy of ur own life and when u had to depend on someone else for basic care.
what i felt was transient but it did gave me an idea what the elderly felt and the stark difference of elderly care in the west and in the east.

if there was a book that had changed my views on the field of geriatrics,this would be it.
i never liked geriatrics, neither do i like to deal with old people. yet now i realised i was a fool. i never put myself into their shoes and look at things in their perspective. i didnt thought that i too will grow old one day.

i have forgotten the simple pleasures of reading. it has been a long time since i sat and read books i like. to be able to put aside everything in the world, to be able to immerse my mind into the vast sea of words and to sail through new ideas. it made me feel alive.

no wonder they say god first messages to us humans was to read.
praise to god.