sometime somewhere ago

Hello...

each time adeles song is played i tend to go into deep thoughts.
i wonder how adele can sum up exactly what i feel about something so perfectly.
although rationally theres nothing i can do but this song reminds me what subconciously i have been yearning to do.
through this song i can vividly see how hopeless,helpless and stuck i was not too long ago.

i guess i was wrong that anything worse happening will erase those memories. it gave me a reason to deal with the present issue. till then i guess its about time to listen to monk talks.

life as it is now

The first week after operation, it felt like my whole world just crashed down on me.
I limped into the operation threatre in good spirits, painless and abit worried. I came out of it nauseous, numbed waist down and my leg the size of a giant sausage. This wasnt the part that made me sad. It was the fact that after the effect of anesthesia worn off, i realised i couldnt move around. I couldnt lift my leg, couldnt go to the toilet,cant sleep on my side. After being discharged, i couldnt put my feet on the ground due to pain. my arm ached, my palms sore. it was then i realised that crutches needed alot of hand power. the brace was so heavy that it felt like a rock was tied to my leg. It was also a time whereby getting in and out of the car was so difficult. i soon developed my own way which was to sit perpendicular to the opened door, used my arm power to push myself into the car, both my hands grab my leg and rotate it into the car. grab the crutches and lie it next to me, and finally i am good to go. putting on shoes and taking it off was a challenge as well. it was more like forcing my foot into the shoe. my feet was so swollen that it fit tightly into the shoes. Going to bed was also another issue as my leg was so weak, i couldnt lift it up the bed. someone needed to carry it for me. with my leg locked into the brace, it was super heavy.

with crutches, it means i could not carry things. i could not hold a cup to anywhere i want at home. i had to depend on someone to carry food to the table and wash it for me. i was pretty much dependent on everyone around me. for someone who is very used to being independent, reliance of this sort brought me close to tears. i felt helpless, frustrated and i had  been asking myself why the hell did i consented to surgery.

in the midst of all this troubles of mine, i was reminded of a patient ive met earlier this year. a young guy in his mid 30's who came in with stroke. his half body felt weak. it wasnt his case that i was reminded of. it was his eyes. in his eyes i saw fear and sadness. i can now relate to how he felt. how terrified he was at that time. i also realised that despite the care and support received, no one will actually know how it feels unless they experience it before.

i am actually very thankful to ajahn brahm because of a talk he told about 'this will pass'. its a huge source of solace. i use this phrase to remind myself that this too shall pass whenever i get disheartened.

by now, i am quite used to people staring at my leg in its brace. kids stare at it with such curiosity. i am also used to food vendors who enquire if my leg is a consequence of a fall or motor vehicle accident. many times as well i receive get well remarks as well. i have also seen many acts of random kindness in this whole process. people opening doors for me, holding the lift, clearing the way, pausing a few seconds to make sure i dont fall when i hobble up steps. ive also met people who blocked my way, came so close in the lift and just ignore my presence when something was obstructing my path. ive learnt how people with disability feels first hand. there are moments in life when random acts of kindness inspires me,there are moments whereby i was disheartened and disgusted over how society treats people with disability. what a good way to explain the phrase c'est la vie since ive experienced the ups and downs of this situation.

I am the patient

There is a sentence in the medical textbook that i remember clearly now because i can relate to it personally. it says 'no joint is more perfect than the ones given by god'.

Looking back, i did not know where did my courage to sign my first operation consent. I have a feeling it wasnt courage but more of naiivity. As much as i understood the whole process of the operation, the risks and complications, anesthesia complication, and all that medical jargon, i didnt understood what patients normally understood until i went through post op. I spend 24 hours after signing the consent panicking if im doing the right thing and wondering if i would die from the op. I also debated in my head the pros and cons. I signed the consent and then informed my parents while hiding the fact i was panicking. i was their medical kid afterall.

the doctor is a calm bloke. he gave me all my options and let me decide. he has that soothing aura and i am glad he listens to whatever issues i told him. i did hinted to him im in the same field as him but im not sure if he believes me. nevertheless i am thankful that i met him.

inside the operation threatre, everything seems familiar. the whole procedure is familiar to me. i just changed into the ot gown, gave my hand to have the brannula inserted, gave my arm for bp to be recorded. basically i just followed every instruction like an obedient puppy. the anesthesia guy was very accomodating, he delivered pearls of wisdom in medicine to me, joked around to ease my apprehensive mood, taught me lumbar puncture while inserting the spinal needle into my spine.
it took an extra long spinal needle to do the job. the multiple pricks that i endured made me think im never ever going to give birth. it was a difficult process to insert the needle, even i could sense the tension from the anesthetist and the nurse. he remarked later that everything turns difficult whenever someone in the medical fraternity is the patient..

i have to say morphine gave me the feeling i was floating in the air. the sedative made me feel like ive drank a few shots. it was all pleasant. the only feeling i hated was when my legs become numb. its a scary moment because at that point i finally realised how a paralysed person felt.
ive heard stories about how anesthesia let u meet god. i had high hopes of meeting god but it didnt happen. there was no dreams either. i didnt even realise when i dozed off.

i open my eyes and heard everyone in the op threatre talking,the faint background music, and the anesthetist asking me if im alright to which i made an ok sign. he later in pulled the surgical cloth away so i could see the screen. i saw my own operation.
then it was all done, the doctor muttered updates to me and then i was in the post op bay. i still couldnt feel a thing below waist.

they gave me pethidine in the ward. i wasnt allowed to get down the bed so i had to peed in the bed pan. my first experience again. i puked so much post op. my head spinning. my moms presence is comforting. whatever brave thought i had about being able to take care of myself vanished. i was an idiot to think i could be independent after operation.

the next few days was torment. the pain was intense despite eating painkillers. it was pain that woke me from sleep,robbed me of sleep. i was depressed because i am dependent on so many people, i was in pain and i start to get a glimpse on the road of recovery which isnt going to be easy. my limb were so swollen its 3 times its original size. i was bed bound. sponging replaced bathing. peeing was on a bedpan. so many people saw me naked that i lost count. i was grateful to those student nurses who helped clean me up.

the physiotherapist came on the 3rd post op day. i took an instant liking towards the physiotherapist. dressed in polo shirt,formal pants and sports shoe,she was encouraging. whatever hopes i had on being mobile were dashed. there was so much pain that it was only going to be on bed exercises. i spent many times staring at my limbs, my brain commanding it but it failed to move. not a flicker of movement. not a jerk seen. the image of my healthy limb stared back at me. it was depressing.

now i am slowly adjusting to life of an invalid.
i go out in public and i catch people staring at my limb. i pretend that i dont see them staring, i make a smile. i say more thank you now whenever strangers hold the lift, open the door, clear the path. i see so many acts of random kindness these days. i also see ignorant people who discriminate handicap people like me. in short, i have now seen 2 sides of a coin of life.

doctor turned patient i am now.
and guess where it leaves me, a highly educated patient. one where potential lawsuits can come from.

merry christmas!