The first week after operation, it felt like my whole world just crashed down on me.
I limped into the operation threatre in good spirits, painless and abit worried. I came out of it nauseous, numbed waist down and my leg the size of a giant sausage. This wasnt the part that made me sad. It was the fact that after the effect of anesthesia worn off, i realised i couldnt move around. I couldnt lift my leg, couldnt go to the toilet,cant sleep on my side. After being discharged, i couldnt put my feet on the ground due to pain. my arm ached, my palms sore. it was then i realised that crutches needed alot of hand power. the brace was so heavy that it felt like a rock was tied to my leg. It was also a time whereby getting in and out of the car was so difficult. i soon developed my own way which was to sit perpendicular to the opened door, used my arm power to push myself into the car, both my hands grab my leg and rotate it into the car. grab the crutches and lie it next to me, and finally i am good to go. putting on shoes and taking it off was a challenge as well. it was more like forcing my foot into the shoe. my feet was so swollen that it fit tightly into the shoes. Going to bed was also another issue as my leg was so weak, i couldnt lift it up the bed. someone needed to carry it for me. with my leg locked into the brace, it was super heavy.
with crutches, it means i could not carry things. i could not hold a cup to anywhere i want at home. i had to depend on someone to carry food to the table and wash it for me. i was pretty much dependent on everyone around me. for someone who is very used to being independent, reliance of this sort brought me close to tears. i felt helpless, frustrated and i had been asking myself why the hell did i consented to surgery.
in the midst of all this troubles of mine, i was reminded of a patient ive met earlier this year. a young guy in his mid 30's who came in with stroke. his half body felt weak. it wasnt his case that i was reminded of. it was his eyes. in his eyes i saw fear and sadness. i can now relate to how he felt. how terrified he was at that time. i also realised that despite the care and support received, no one will actually know how it feels unless they experience it before.
i am actually very thankful to ajahn brahm because of a talk he told about 'this will pass'. its a huge source of solace. i use this phrase to remind myself that this too shall pass whenever i get disheartened.
by now, i am quite used to people staring at my leg in its brace. kids stare at it with such curiosity. i am also used to food vendors who enquire if my leg is a consequence of a fall or motor vehicle accident. many times as well i receive get well remarks as well. i have also seen many acts of random kindness in this whole process. people opening doors for me, holding the lift, clearing the way, pausing a few seconds to make sure i dont fall when i hobble up steps. ive also met people who blocked my way, came so close in the lift and just ignore my presence when something was obstructing my path. ive learnt how people with disability feels first hand. there are moments in life when random acts of kindness inspires me,there are moments whereby i was disheartened and disgusted over how society treats people with disability. what a good way to explain the phrase c'est la vie since ive experienced the ups and downs of this situation.
I limped into the operation threatre in good spirits, painless and abit worried. I came out of it nauseous, numbed waist down and my leg the size of a giant sausage. This wasnt the part that made me sad. It was the fact that after the effect of anesthesia worn off, i realised i couldnt move around. I couldnt lift my leg, couldnt go to the toilet,cant sleep on my side. After being discharged, i couldnt put my feet on the ground due to pain. my arm ached, my palms sore. it was then i realised that crutches needed alot of hand power. the brace was so heavy that it felt like a rock was tied to my leg. It was also a time whereby getting in and out of the car was so difficult. i soon developed my own way which was to sit perpendicular to the opened door, used my arm power to push myself into the car, both my hands grab my leg and rotate it into the car. grab the crutches and lie it next to me, and finally i am good to go. putting on shoes and taking it off was a challenge as well. it was more like forcing my foot into the shoe. my feet was so swollen that it fit tightly into the shoes. Going to bed was also another issue as my leg was so weak, i couldnt lift it up the bed. someone needed to carry it for me. with my leg locked into the brace, it was super heavy.
with crutches, it means i could not carry things. i could not hold a cup to anywhere i want at home. i had to depend on someone to carry food to the table and wash it for me. i was pretty much dependent on everyone around me. for someone who is very used to being independent, reliance of this sort brought me close to tears. i felt helpless, frustrated and i had been asking myself why the hell did i consented to surgery.
in the midst of all this troubles of mine, i was reminded of a patient ive met earlier this year. a young guy in his mid 30's who came in with stroke. his half body felt weak. it wasnt his case that i was reminded of. it was his eyes. in his eyes i saw fear and sadness. i can now relate to how he felt. how terrified he was at that time. i also realised that despite the care and support received, no one will actually know how it feels unless they experience it before.
i am actually very thankful to ajahn brahm because of a talk he told about 'this will pass'. its a huge source of solace. i use this phrase to remind myself that this too shall pass whenever i get disheartened.
by now, i am quite used to people staring at my leg in its brace. kids stare at it with such curiosity. i am also used to food vendors who enquire if my leg is a consequence of a fall or motor vehicle accident. many times as well i receive get well remarks as well. i have also seen many acts of random kindness in this whole process. people opening doors for me, holding the lift, clearing the way, pausing a few seconds to make sure i dont fall when i hobble up steps. ive also met people who blocked my way, came so close in the lift and just ignore my presence when something was obstructing my path. ive learnt how people with disability feels first hand. there are moments in life when random acts of kindness inspires me,there are moments whereby i was disheartened and disgusted over how society treats people with disability. what a good way to explain the phrase c'est la vie since ive experienced the ups and downs of this situation.
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