the past

convocation came and went.

whatever that affected me turned out to be my minds demons.

to an extend these demons where what i wished for. what i desired. these were my fantasies. my ego trying to protect itself.

what happens when the last connection has been severed? 

it just emphasize how things are over.

i saw people we both knew. i didnt know if those people remembered. i wonder if somehow they will translate the news over. but then, as i went and took my cert, i ask myself did it matter? what does it matters anymore? i remember the struggles i had during finals. how i wanted to sabotage myself. i remember those nights i could sleep because my mind was sick with the demons in it. if i mattered, that person will be standing right in front of me. but no, i wasnt spared with all these sufferings. i was just cut away.

i wouldve end up in fits of rage but now i know better. there is still a tinge of sadness but now ive realised i can do nothing. this was a choice we all had. ive been choosing the worse choices given for too long. now i need to choose better for my own emotional well being 

my friend, one who is dear to me, have just asked me if by now i can let go.

it strikes me how i lack people who can understand me and my mind. how they discretely care about me. 

i replied : what choice do i have besides that?

the question lingered in me awhile, i cried a little and then i talked to god and then i realised im mortal. its painful but whatever pain needs healing. im still healing in a way.

what does any of this matters anymore? 

Home?

Is home a place ur from or is home a feeling?

i think i agree on  a latter.

doesnt matter where or when, home is a feeling. a place that make me feel i belong. a place whereby i will be comfortable.

melaka was one of them.

it has been around 6 months after i left melaka. in these 6 months, i went there on and off for followups. 

today i went again for convocation.

its different. the feeling is different.

its overcrowded, school holidays has made everyone flock into the city for retreats.  the traffic jams, the crawling cars. its not very pleasant. 

when i was in melaka i never understood why my parents loathe the numerous traffic lights that melaka has. 

i hated them today.

it made travelling time longer than it seem. the jams make crossing traffic lights impossible.

my feet were sealed towards the brake. i feel as if my calfs were working out with my feet pressing and relaxing on the pedal.

this is melaka at its peak. the time where it comes alive.

home,i called previously but now i think ive said a satisfactory goodbye to it.

its about time to move home.

a storm is coming

As convocation draws nearer, theres an unrequiting doubt going on n on inside my subconcious mind.
i wonder if ever she was going to attend my convo. the chances are never but theres no doubt i wish she will attend.
i know now that this is what i had hoped and longed for.
its not helpful when ive seen things on facebook i wish i didnt come across.

who am i now to her to jeopardise her new found happiness.

memories. just memories, its the past. thats what ive been told.
i would lying if i say these memories dont keep me awake at night. night is when the torment of my unrelentless thoughts come.
theres too many what ifs.
the times whereby i feel the impulse to write a mail, i bury them now. there were many mails in the past with no response.
what for if my presence was meant to be forgotten and buried.

i doubt im any wiser. i might have learnt self restrain.

i miss her dearly.
as strong as i think i am, this is one fragile piece of me.

funny how much faith ive placed in god and still i have my moments.

adieu alex rider

Anthony horowitz never lets me down.

The name of Anthony horowitz was known to me one fateful year when i picked up a copy of alex rider in the library. That time,i was still in my teens. As the pages turned, i was caught up in awe. Soon i regard alex rider as a more relevant version of james bond. the high tech details in the book, coupled by spy agency, MI6. it was a highly action packed book. i remember thinking if only i was like alex rider, it would be so cool.

from the first book onwards, i had always kept a lookout for on coming books of alex rider. the books didnt come out as fast as i wanted it but nevertheless each subsequent book had uncompromising quality.

due to my own hectic schedule, i didnt realise the last book of alex rider was published in 2013. i only found out few weeks ago when alex rider suddenly came into my mind.

the last book, russian roulette mentioned nothing about alex rider.
instead, it talked about the killer, yassen who was trying to kill alex rider from the start.
there is something in the way yassen was written that for the first time i felt sympathetic towards a killer. nevertheless anthony horowitz described the minds of a killer perfectly well. compared with other thriller books, this killer didnt give me goosebumps, he wasnt creepy.

i have to admit its the perfect ending for a series i grew up with.
it gave me the impression that alex rider wasnt all that awesome as a spy. he was lucky because his father and yassen knew each other and that he reminded yassen about his past.

alex rider series ended but i will continue to keep a lookout for its author.

goodbye alex rider.