the past

convocation came and went.

whatever that affected me turned out to be my minds demons.

to an extend these demons where what i wished for. what i desired. these were my fantasies. my ego trying to protect itself.

what happens when the last connection has been severed? 

it just emphasize how things are over.

i saw people we both knew. i didnt know if those people remembered. i wonder if somehow they will translate the news over. but then, as i went and took my cert, i ask myself did it matter? what does it matters anymore? i remember the struggles i had during finals. how i wanted to sabotage myself. i remember those nights i could sleep because my mind was sick with the demons in it. if i mattered, that person will be standing right in front of me. but no, i wasnt spared with all these sufferings. i was just cut away.

i wouldve end up in fits of rage but now i know better. there is still a tinge of sadness but now ive realised i can do nothing. this was a choice we all had. ive been choosing the worse choices given for too long. now i need to choose better for my own emotional well being 

my friend, one who is dear to me, have just asked me if by now i can let go.

it strikes me how i lack people who can understand me and my mind. how they discretely care about me. 

i replied : what choice do i have besides that?

the question lingered in me awhile, i cried a little and then i talked to god and then i realised im mortal. its painful but whatever pain needs healing. im still healing in a way.

what does any of this matters anymore?