7 months or so

I know im going to miss all this.
7 months and counting.
being used to doing things alone, a life apart from my parents, the initial months were about adapting.
from lone dinners to cooking for extra people, waiting till everyone is ready to go out, additional chores, the not so quiet house and similar situations.
there were sunshine bonuses too, my dogs are around, sometimes my plants would bloom flowers, the chatty kid opposite my house.
living at home means closer to friends as well. the initial excitement of having me in town slowly integrated into routine hangouts for coffee. in those catchup times, my answer is still similar as to what i was up to. it also made me realise how different my life is with other people. there is something incomprehensible to others how i have to keep reading till ive settled into the grave. there were abundance of health questions along the way. it had in some way shed light on how much weight alternative medicine has on the general public. a few taints is all it needs to lose the public confidence on doctors.

i wouldnt deny that these 7 months it brought a distressing amount of anguish in me. the anguish of when will i be called for a job. the constant questioning by strangers and acquaintances if i chose the wrong field. the indirect comparison between me and someone else who is earning money. money is imperitively important. i agree because im lucky that my parents did not kick me out. in a way i saw how money can turn anyone bitter and resentful if you allow it to consume you. it is with this stressor that ive ran down the trail into discovering realms of finance and religion. theres a fine line of balance between money and happiness. that itself is debatable. i humbly agree that how one views things are a crucial tipping point.
that is what emotional intelligence is all about.

just when i begin to get fed up with an idylic life i found an enlightening read. these days my attention span is almost equal to the short memory span of the goldfish. the book which narrates real life accounts of people living in north korea was alarmingly shocking yet invited curiosity. it gave me a new perspective on a thing called freedom. its always when youve seen the worse end of the spectrum will you appreciate the better things.

best time of my life? not really.
more like a pause to reflect and rediscover myself.

a dilemma

i wonder if  i should send an email to inform about my convo.
i have had thoughts on this for awhile now.
it seems awkward, i couldnt think of how to address the email neither did i have an inkling of what to write. the words wouldve sounded awkward, pretentious and hypocritical.
some part of me wonder if her friend wouldve sent a pic or mentioned about it. i can make many postulations, many far fetched imagined situations. in the end, all these times whereby i build castles in the air only had one message. i wanted to be reassured that i still mattered to that one person whom i have no relation whatsoever. my ego needed fuel from this. it wanted so badly to get past the hurt and the uselessness.
sucking up a defeat aint an easy feat.
i still remember my friend told me about my low eq. im still working on. sometimes i think its my character. im not too sure but i do know ive mellowed out. i can see it in my own eyes when i look into the mirror.
whoever called eyes are the mirror of the soul probably got it right.

what does it matter now?
if i mattered, these 3 years at certain point i would be sought after.
but what had happened in this 3 years? not a trace.
how it ended each time i broke down? some friends witnessed the moment, my time got wasted and crudely put, life hasnt stop moving one bit.

each time im under stress, it creeps up on me. reminding me of this one thing i cannot have. it tempts me to make amends, to hug the past and not let it go.
and what happens everytime i heed it? i go back to square one.

what happens when i try to face it?
i dont know. i just write it when i can. i simply remind myself whatever debts i think i owe anyone, at one point the debt has got to be settled.

to think of someone who i can never have living with someone they love. well, i rest my case.
these are the times where one has got to love themselves.
i have to be compassionate and kind to myself. why put myself into the same misery again and again? to relive the pain over and over.
i wonder if my ego takes pride in this self torture game of playing victim.

this is why when i watched xmen i found myself thinking, the greatest curse of a superpower is to have an unlimited brain power.
not being able to control the mind is almost as bad as going mad. at least going mad, one is not aware of it and there is no struggle.

no, i am not writing that email.