i wonder if i should send an email to inform about my convo.
i have had thoughts on this for awhile now.
it seems awkward, i couldnt think of how to address the email neither did i have an inkling of what to write. the words wouldve sounded awkward, pretentious and hypocritical.
some part of me wonder if her friend wouldve sent a pic or mentioned about it. i can make many postulations, many far fetched imagined situations. in the end, all these times whereby i build castles in the air only had one message. i wanted to be reassured that i still mattered to that one person whom i have no relation whatsoever. my ego needed fuel from this. it wanted so badly to get past the hurt and the uselessness.
sucking up a defeat aint an easy feat.
i still remember my friend told me about my low eq. im still working on. sometimes i think its my character. im not too sure but i do know ive mellowed out. i can see it in my own eyes when i look into the mirror.
whoever called eyes are the mirror of the soul probably got it right.
what does it matter now?
if i mattered, these 3 years at certain point i would be sought after.
but what had happened in this 3 years? not a trace.
how it ended each time i broke down? some friends witnessed the moment, my time got wasted and crudely put, life hasnt stop moving one bit.
each time im under stress, it creeps up on me. reminding me of this one thing i cannot have. it tempts me to make amends, to hug the past and not let it go.
and what happens everytime i heed it? i go back to square one.
what happens when i try to face it?
i dont know. i just write it when i can. i simply remind myself whatever debts i think i owe anyone, at one point the debt has got to be settled.
to think of someone who i can never have living with someone they love. well, i rest my case.
these are the times where one has got to love themselves.
i have to be compassionate and kind to myself. why put myself into the same misery again and again? to relive the pain over and over.
i wonder if my ego takes pride in this self torture game of playing victim.
this is why when i watched xmen i found myself thinking, the greatest curse of a superpower is to have an unlimited brain power.
not being able to control the mind is almost as bad as going mad. at least going mad, one is not aware of it and there is no struggle.
no, i am not writing that email.
i have had thoughts on this for awhile now.
it seems awkward, i couldnt think of how to address the email neither did i have an inkling of what to write. the words wouldve sounded awkward, pretentious and hypocritical.
some part of me wonder if her friend wouldve sent a pic or mentioned about it. i can make many postulations, many far fetched imagined situations. in the end, all these times whereby i build castles in the air only had one message. i wanted to be reassured that i still mattered to that one person whom i have no relation whatsoever. my ego needed fuel from this. it wanted so badly to get past the hurt and the uselessness.
sucking up a defeat aint an easy feat.
i still remember my friend told me about my low eq. im still working on. sometimes i think its my character. im not too sure but i do know ive mellowed out. i can see it in my own eyes when i look into the mirror.
whoever called eyes are the mirror of the soul probably got it right.
what does it matter now?
if i mattered, these 3 years at certain point i would be sought after.
but what had happened in this 3 years? not a trace.
how it ended each time i broke down? some friends witnessed the moment, my time got wasted and crudely put, life hasnt stop moving one bit.
each time im under stress, it creeps up on me. reminding me of this one thing i cannot have. it tempts me to make amends, to hug the past and not let it go.
and what happens everytime i heed it? i go back to square one.
what happens when i try to face it?
i dont know. i just write it when i can. i simply remind myself whatever debts i think i owe anyone, at one point the debt has got to be settled.
to think of someone who i can never have living with someone they love. well, i rest my case.
these are the times where one has got to love themselves.
i have to be compassionate and kind to myself. why put myself into the same misery again and again? to relive the pain over and over.
i wonder if my ego takes pride in this self torture game of playing victim.
this is why when i watched xmen i found myself thinking, the greatest curse of a superpower is to have an unlimited brain power.
not being able to control the mind is almost as bad as going mad. at least going mad, one is not aware of it and there is no struggle.
no, i am not writing that email.
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