Reflections

 The medical world can be a vortex which keeps churning you deeper until you lost all sense of control. I had so much things i love to do in my younger days, but one by one it was put off the shelve or postponed. The breaks were all replaced by more time working, more time spent on training activities or escapism through netflix. This was what i see when i look back now, the endless packing and moving with short getaways to attend important events but never truly able to stay for long. For some it might be described as part and parcel of training. To me now, i think this is how burnout was born. I wasnt even aware of burnout that time, thanks to covid, ive gained alot insight and i finally can see clearly.

I spent half of my 20s in Borneo. Starting off as a young aspiring doctor, ready to take off to serve the underprivilege citizens of our country, i arrived with alot of hopes of changing things for the better. Retrospectively now, i think i was abit too naiive. To think of it now, it might be similar to the 'white supremacy'. Even before i knew it, i found a home in Borneo, touched by their kindness and hospitality. Heck, it even manage to convinced me on cultural assimilation and diversity. Honestly, it became my comfort zone. 

When i finally decided what i want to do for life, the news about training outside Borneo gave me alot anxiety, multiple nights thinking about the what-ifs, the inferiority complex of maybe im not up to practise city medicine and the heart break of saying goodbyes to the friends ive made. I cried bucket loads, the grief came in pangs and waves. My comfy world that i had build felt like it was crashing down. 

I landed at the south part of the country, with loads of help from my parents who helped with my moving. I met a mutual friend and we hit it off together for our 1st posting. I was lucky to meet another human who knows how things in this state works. I started making friends from many introductions. This posting was the best place to get orientated to places, our job was mainly going for house visits. I could finally see on my own how rehabilitation and community care was being done for my patients. I was happy i wasnt confined by the walls of the hospitals. Here, being tactful and thinking out of the box were important. I was also seeing firsthand the stigma of mental illness from our community. When i described my experience to my friends, the response were alittle shocking. To them, they felt that i wasnt doing a doctors job. To me, it felt like i was contributing a small drop into an ocean, small but vital. I still believe that we had to be role models to empower the community and key decision makers to safeguard our patients. The idea of isolating people with mental illness by hospitalization or instuitionalising them is obsolete now. Mental health is everyones business and community plays a big part in sustaining their wellbeing. 

-to be continued