Dilemma

Its approaching year end again. almost that season for reflections. 

It scares me a little that my life is smooth sailing so far. Whenever i pause to reflect on it anxiety creeps up on me. I wonder when is the next downfall coming. I have been wondering about X. how apart and different our lives has become. In a way we both are better and happier i supposed. I cant stop feeling how different time can make things become. cant stop wondering what if i had known what i know now before. how different things would turn out. I am sometimes lost in my mind tunnels. its pointless spectaculating things anyways. i cannot change the past. i tried to change the past. fought the past. in the end, i was the one who got hurt more.

This reflection thing started because i sense i am fascinated with a particular character. and it frustrates me that this character is an odd ball. Also because of some statement this character told me. It just begun when i analysed those statements. 

It scares the shit out of me now because i am damn worried this X thing will repeat itself.

Sometimes i wonder to myself too where the heck is the rest of the population who can interest me with nice awesome conversations. i wonder too if the problem lies with me.

i am going to let time work its magic.

what  i learnt the hard way was not to be impulsive.

now i gotta restrain my curiosity. 

curiosity killed the cat. and i dont wanna be that cat. 

The journey home

A small change in plan, and i was home yesterday.
Yesterday was the first time i drove on the highway. with dad in the passenger seat.
I am still alive. Thanks to all the reminders not to speed and to follow the middle lane.
Driving on a highway isnt that exciting as i foresee it to be. Straight roads all over *yawns*. 110 km/hour speed max 120km/hour.. Keeping awake is not an issue with dads paranoid thoughts that anything can happen and i will die in a crash.
I still think the most amazing thing was i learn driving by myself. The countable near miss crash incident is unavoidable but i learnt from there.
Approaching the city is the yucky part. so many cars it looks as if a school of fish swimming in a big wide ocean. Not a chance to drive faster than 60km/hour..
Less traffic light compared to melaka.

I wonder how dogs remember their owners.
I came out of my car, silent. and they come wagging their tails with a friendly bark.
Its nice having 3 furry kids greet me home. Its nice to look at them too when they are sleeping. or doing whatever they do at home.

I spent the whole day clearing stuff in the room.
There are so many junk that needs to be disposed. I said goodbye to some of my old novels. Wiped the rack clean, lined them with a nice layer of paper. At the end of the day i stuffed all my books into the shelf and i have an empty clean table to use.
I hope to read on that table.. i wonder how is it going to happen since i barely flip any page of my novel next to me.

It feels like a vacation still.
It feels unbelievable that soon i will need to practice. It scares the hell out of me when i think of it.
This is the only reason why i am reminded daily i should flip my books a few page daily...

For now im home. 

Some interesting talks

Few days ago i went on roaming to thank professors personally. Some were modest about it,some i heard did not appreciate it. whatever it is, i have done my responsibility.
Graduating upgrades our hierachy in their eyes.. Maybe we reminded them of their graduation days too. Conversations do not happen much in this campus, usually its formal and curt. now its abit friendlier and a few unexpected souls will impart their wisdoms on u in practicing medicine. all in good intention to make us be better doctors.
i cant help feel the welcome into this club call doctors.

It had been a fruitful day as i got to chat with 2 interesting individuals. One of which wrote a long status about me. It wasnt a secret when friends of mine instinctively knew it was about me. I take this as an honour. Interesting talks on life, on experiences and motivation to go further into medicine. Some advice on places for houseman, the importance of gaining clinical competance in this 2 years. it sounds like pearls of wisdom to me. i hope i pay enough attention that later in it will benefit me in some little ways.
the dean in his speech told us we have 6 years from now to climb into specialist title. there are many hints of expectations on what we are supposed to acheive in a timeline. I sense a huge sense of excitement in the talk as well as a sense of responsibility now that the college name rest upon us. Seniors lived up to it and it is a norm that we continue to carry that good name.

Theres one question in the conversations that struck me personally. what will i miss in manipal.. i remember now the long gap of silence as i begin to reflect on it. And nothing came. really, nothing. blank. In  the end i answered, well i am ready to take off. Its true, med school is getting static as time drags on. I feel its time we move on to new terrains and sore on a different height. There is anxiety over the future with its uncertainties. Doubts whether i am ready or not. All in all i have learnt this time is to have faith and it will work itself.
 cant help feeling a new adventure is begining soon.

Of course saying goodbye to friends is not easy.
i have to admit after the brahm talks i am calmer and i have learnt to keep an open mind.
Its inevitable. Nothing is permanent afterall. It doesnt mean i do not grief over goodbyes. I do grief.
i hope my friends who are grieving too will find calmness. Its difficult to put into words how i view this now.

A diary sometime ago

While clearing my stuff i came across a diary i wrote last year when i was emotionally wrecked. off and on there is a page about X. how i feel about writing,how those blank pages incapacitated me. Now i know its never the blank pages making feel naked and vulnerable. all along it was me, i chose to run away and not be frank with myself. the words i wrote were a reflection of how bad in shape i was. I didnt want to face it because of the pain. Only when i learn that it keeps haunting me when i dont face it did i understood.
i flipped through it, surprisingly i feel calm. its like flipping through someone elses story.
Honestly whatever its written, it seems pretty insignificant. seems like a year ago i was already writing words of letting go.
2 quotes in the diary caught my attention.
and there was a page whereby i wrote i studied the wrong topics for theory paper. i did the same mistake this year as well. i read the important clinical topics and neglected the important ones for theory. twice and i did same mistake.
exactly last year too i wrote my travels to indoneisia, i wonder for what. then i wrote about the tense fear for p2s1.
i quoted alot from song lyrics. no wonder those few songs bring a sense of familarity to me when i listened to them.
i got bored, flipped the diary, tore off the pages and threw it inside the bin.
if theres one thing i want to do, it is not to bring the past into the future. i hadnt wrapped up manipal chapter properly last time. now i am happy these past few days i get to spend time with people who shared my 5 years journey with me. enjoying the last moments of packing and just sit in this room.
i will do this right this time.

if there is one thing i learnt this time, it would be to pick the eggs and not the shit.

Tonight

Today was the farewell party..
Not many lecturers attended, quite a dissapointed. these people are not that sporting as the ones in manipal. sometimes i think this job in melaka has taken away their soul..
while everyone is busy thanking the teachers in melaka, everyone forgot about the ones in manipal. nevertheless i figured the ones in melaka are closer to us in our hearts as they are the ones who taught us in clinics, brought us into the clinical world. and of course, they are a part of us now, doctors.
However this is the last event for 110 people as a batch. i am happy that we managed to take a batch photo. in the future i will flip pass this photo and say there, i was in the class of 2015.

Tonite, i was so busy taking snaps with everyone that i just gave up on eating the food provided. when i looked for food, its all gone.
The feeling of joy is estatic, the more snaps i took the happier i am. Soon we will be all over the country,some i might not see anymore. for now, ive engrained all of these peoples presence in snapshots. i hope i dont look tired in those shots. these few days had been tiring for me.

i heard somewhere that the joy u feel are the reflection of how much suffering one has gone through. and between each suffering there is a gap for joy.  i find that interesting because if its true it would reflect how much suffering ive had during finals.
since i understood the phrase 'this too will pass', the same phrase crops into my mind every now and then. Its kind of a reminder now, to live in the moment, to cherish it at that moment because once its gone, its over and done. I think thats why i feel humbled by each happy moments i have. each happy moments now i feel obliged to give thanks.

Tonight had been a memorable one as well.
a mini gathering between 6 people, playing board games. its just pure fun.

I am a doctor

Not long ago i mulled over how static my life was. i was still stuck in med school.
Then finals came and it was a do or die affair.
Finals came and went, while waiting for results, i suddenly felt time went on a stand still. Time was in abundance. I finally had the chance to do whatever i wanted.
Today official results came out and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. shortly after that everyone buzz like a bee and proceeded to pack. we officially have 6 days to pack and move out. 133 per week for extra time to move out.
6 days to say goodbye to friends and places. 6 days and everyone will part ways.
It feels very rushed. I dont remember being this rush last time.

im still sinking into the news that i am now a doctor. theres a title in front of my name now.
i am supposed to be ready to manage patients. i am supposed to be safe and competant.
i feel terribly worried with all the 'supposed to'.

This too shall pass..
all the more to cherish each second of it.

today is a memorable day.
thank you.

Mr. Holmes

Mr Holmes the movie portrays an old frail sherlock holmes.
The great detective who is suffering from senility, in the countryside with his bees.
every cough, every weakening voice and each fall in the movie potrayed by ian mckeller brings sadness to me. everyone ages, even sherlock holmes.
The movie started off with many recollections,bits and pieces from holmes who is having memory problems. It gets interesting with the small boy who was very fond of bees and seemed to have taken an affection for holmes.
Its nice to see holmes liking the boy as well. gives a very grandfatherly feeling.
The loose ends tie up pretty neatly in the end. theres a few twist to the plot when the plot plateaus which brings me back to anticipation. i like how the camera zooms in on holmes expression. the appropriate use of background music to express each emotion.

while this movie doesnt focus on holmes famous complex cases, it did signify holmes last days pretty well. I find this movie realistic, focuses on the complexity of the human mind, proves to us that logic can only bring us this far and that it is no fool proof. It shows the regrets of sherlock holmes, maybe his flaws. If it only showed the strength of holmes without any flaws, then it wouldnt have given the impact it meant in this movie.

It ends with holmes praying to a bunch of stones, each representing a person who had left him. I find this very appealing. afterall in the end we only have ourselves. maybe when holmes pray to those stones he is also making peace with whatever unfinished business he had with the people who left him.

It did killed abit of sherlock holmes image in me. the confident,ever mysterious holmes whom i thought never age.

now im awaiting for pan. 

Its packing time again

I never learn.
Why is there so much stuff
Wish magic is here to compress everything and just charm them back home.


im into day 3 of packing my stuff.
the above are repeated thoughts that come through my mind. the last massive packing i had was 2.5 years ago, exactly the same anguish i have as now.

Selling stuff off is an option to get rid of them but no one buys them. till now i only got rid of 3 items and that with massive loss. few bucks each item, hardly sufficient to buy one starbucks.

ever felt what ocd people felt? the disgust over dirty hands? the urge to wash them off every now and then? its exactly how i feel each time i touch stuff with layers of dust in it. sometimes unknowingly i would touch my arm and then my skin itches. then i go shower and cleaning process is halted.
the most awaited times during this whole cleaning business is time to go out or the times when i get so exaushted i just collapse to sleep.

there are some happy reminders too during cleaning. like all those random presents ive kept aside. the cards written by friends. its nicely stored in a box now, to be added into the main box of memories at home.

15% cleaning done. another 75 more to go