The heart wants what it wants. Period.

Some things just..

When my phone went missing i went into a frenzy.It was like the last thing left just went missing. There were many things in it that i lost together with the phone which gave alot frustration as time goes by. I was still very angry at sai after i lost my phone. So i decided to change my number after getting a new phone on that same day. Little had i realised that by changing my number i had to deal with the bank as well.

I still remember sai number till now. I have tried calling so many times in the past. All my calls went unanswered. Just like my mails. Then i knew that sai changed number as well. I could feel it. My world crashed. Mixture of sadness and anger.

Today i try again that number. True enough it now belongs to another person.
Sai once told me, we will have to learn to live without each other. I am trying to but to miss someone badly and memories keep popping up. Chin told me one day i will realise that crying is useless. Funny because i am still crying each time i go through this again and again.
How many times have i had a chat with god. And i still am the same.

Part 7

Lump in the throat.
Something i read about and something i experienced. the mere action of writing to someone but then it gets too awkward that its inhibited.
I miss sai badly. it comes off and on. i brush it off most of the times and times like this it gets close to sending an email. i used to send a couple last time, angry emails sometimes pleading emails. i can remember my needy words well till now. and each time i cringe at that memory.
What to write, theres nothing to talk about. it just adds to the misery as i know my mail will never get replied.
hadnt i forgotten sai last words to me,  leave sai alone.
It must be my unstable hormones. Always happen around this cycle.
i cant be god damned friends with the whole world.
and despite being miserable,i realised god has given me a friend. only that i compare every bloody friend with sai. 

A night like this

Nights like this is where i am very much awake.

weekends fly by quicker than ever.

it is nights like this i feel the fire inside me, raging to be better and stronger.

There is this melanchony i feel as well. Darker than the night, almost like a black hole. sucking in each dream and aspirations. 

It is on these nights i self reflect alot. the past, present and future. It is at these nights my heart felt the same gnawing pain. I am used to it now. It will have to stop by its own at some point.

Life is static for now i feel, i have my own doubts, that it was me who is more consumed by loneliness. 

Funny eh, 

because i truly honestly dont know what i want.

Palliative Care

It was because of family history when i signed up for the cancer and palliative seminar. I expected it to be grim, solemn and depressing. In some ways, it was that way but a realisation came together with it. That our system could be improved upon and there are many people that work tirelessly to make cancer care better. Hats off to those people. 

There were many instances in the talk that specialists would lament, on the facilities being there but patients are not coming forth. I find it personally alarming that our education system has not brought awareness to the public. Taboo,isolation and public shaming about cancer still exist today. Even in some medical fraternity minds. 

With this talk, i count my blessings because when my grandma was dying of cancer, my aunt who was a nurse knew how to take help from hospice, educated my family members on taking care of my grandmother. I guess in our setting, only those with members in the medical line would know what to do. It is indeed unnerving. 

My whole week had alot of exposure with palliative in it. I met a palliative specialist who shared some info with us. I have to say, this is my first encounter with a palliative specialist, and the first impression was,wow, this is exactly what i imagined a palliative specialist to be. Call it admiration in the first sight. Palliative care is a subspecialty. Not many would made it into this level, however palliative nursing is gaining abit of popularity. There is something in this specialist demeanor, the calmness in composure and articulation of words. Every word was said in harmony and appropriateness. Indeed, google told me i am looking at one of our countrys pioneer in palliative care. It is indeed an eyeopener.

http://www.thestar.com.my/Lifestyle/People/2014/10/23/Born-with-a-threechambered-heart-a-young-man-learns-to-make-the-most-of-each-day/

The article above would tell us an inspiring story of a young gentleman who has a univentricular heart and who is living each day to the fullest.

Reading about him and meeting him in real life is very different. There is something about him,his cyanism, his forthcoming opinions, his openness about his condition. At first i couldnt really describe him, till now, i cant.

Thanks to him, we gained a little insight into palliative care medicine. Hopefully this brief meeting would help us all be better physicians and care givers. 

It is such topics in medical education that gains very little attention but needless to say, it matters the most in real life. These are all the fine tunings to be a better care giver.

Part 6

During our earlier friendship days, Sai went for a conferance some few thousand miles near my hometown. That was the first time we had to stop talking for awhile. It wasnt a pleasant transition. We talked daily, multiple times, many hours. In a way i remember it now, i think we exceeded our quota. And now we ended up not talking at all.

We did emailed a while. Then i was jealous because Sai was also meeting up with Sai's partner. I remembered i was so excited Sai came online in a chat but that time Sai wasnt in a good mood and we ended up arguing.

Sai came back and brought me a phone case. I didnt thought that would be my present. I said my real impression stating it was the most hideous thing on earth and why did Sai bought it. It was a biscuit phone case.
Later only did i knew Sai bought 2 identical phone casing. one for sai and one for me. Because i did mentioned about lets use the same thing together as we did have the same phone model.

I still remembered my enthiusm teaching sai to use the phone. Im not sure if i was really teaching or i was just flaunting my technology skills. Whatever it was, Sai is technologically illiterate. Also unable to multitask to which i tease Sai often about it.

It pains me now to remember at the rage of anger i cut the casing into half and threw it away.
I happened to see a classmate of mine using the same cover in class, to which i enquire where did my classmate bought it. Seeing the cover brought alot of bittersweet memory back. I didnt see such cover since.

Sai did made me promise not to act out in my anger. I did promise but i didnt live up to the promise. It still pains me to remember such details of my anger and its consequence.

Before i left, Sai gave me 4 things. It was very unexpected. Sai left 2 wrapped presents in a plastic bag which i thought was empty. I had refused to take the plastic and left it on the table to which Sai got really angry. Getting Sai to calm down had been very difficult. It was a palm tree keychain which had notes saying hope i plant one because i had made Sai try planting seedlings. another one was an angel keychain. Sai had mentioned that i was like an angel and everytime i see it i should behave like an angel.
Another thing was a wallet, something which i can use daily and kept close to me.
Before i went for a 14 days holiday, Sai had written me a diary. for me to read on my way, something i pestered Sai to do since i was the one writing constantly. It was very touching indeed.

Out of rage, 3 of the things i destroyed.
The diary i burnt later one, after reading it many times. I was sure that Sai would not come back anymore. And i didnt want anyone else to know this about Sai and me. I was more worried about the diary sitting at home.

For sometime i was angry at myself. angry at the fact that my anger got the better of me. When i think of this again, i am deeply ashamed. Its one life lesson learnt the hard way.
I wish i had kept those things with me, perhaps i would feel part of Sai still remain with me.
I wonder if sai had thrown stuff i gave and i wonder what happened to the letters ive written to sai.

Part 5

Sai told me after i moved, tears would stream down whenever Sai passed places we have been together. I didnt take this seriously, i was arrogant, in my mind i was glad sai is going through what i had gone through in our 2 weeks war. 

I was an idiot. If only i had realised that this is how deep our friendship was. 

The same has happened to me as well. Some memories about sai would pop up into my mind sometimes. Like how during my electives i had wanted to text and share something ive come across relevant to our previous communication. Or some things which we have done before together. It feels hollow when such things occur because i know Sai is no longer here. And we have turned into strangers,seperated by time, distance and hostility. 

I remember on my last night Sai was holding me and out of the sudden muttered 'i know i have to forget all of this one day. i will have to get over it and we both have to learn to live without one another'. I was speechless. When i remembered this, Sai was gone. Maybe when Sai had uttered this, Sai had foreseen this was bound to happen. Or perhaps Sai had chosen to sacrifice me. 

One day, sai brought me for lunch in  a shop called paradise. somewhere near the beach. i find it amusing now i recall it. Going to paradise with sai is paradise. I still remember i ate something sai liked, but it was new to me. pineapple cherry cheese in a stick. 

I told my friend if there is one thing i regret, it is going to be sai. It is rare to meet someone whom you can get close to,to be yourself,to share birthdays a day apart. My friend asked me what is it that sai is so different from my other friends? Because, sai was special to me and sai had touched my heart. Because when sai left, my naiivity left as well. Because after that i was skeptical and i believed i would never met someone like sai.

I also remembered sai calling me obsessed.

If obsession was like this, why do i feel the pain over and over again. if obsession can be cured by time why it isnt cured now? 

Someone asked me if i was in love. I sounded like i was. Now if i were to re-answer it, i would say Sai was like my other hand. Its that close. 

Part 4

During 2 weeks of war with sai, i had resorted to running my ass off. I ran hard to tire myself, to stop myself from thinking or crying. Contrary to Sai, i am not an emotionally detached person and i am not very much successful at controlling my mind. Sai could stop thinking about things by keeping busy. I am not such person.

I remember going to breakfast to bump into Sai during those 2 weeks, i was heartbroken when Sai sat at a different table. I also remembered barging to Sai's place,cried and made a scene but Sai remained cool. I think sai became even more pissed. All my letters got teared away emotionless.

I was at fault too. i constantly wanted to break away from sai. i wanted to end our friendship. Now i know it was because of my jealousy. And i had felt insecure. If and only if i was honest to talk about it,  or to realise that losing Sai was worse i wouldve save myself from this.

It was during one of my gym moments i saw Sai jogging in the track upstairs. I was instantaneously happy, i pretended not to look at Sai jogging but in fact my eyes were observing sai. I had texted Sai a hi, i remember having the impulse to go up and jog at the track but i did not follow that impulse. Sai did not replied my message. Later only did i know Sai had purposely came to gym to glimpse at me,had lingered around near my place but at wrong hours. Sai had told me that Sai was as happy as i am after seeing me.

Sai and I reconcile few days after that, few times after seeing each other at the gym and 4 more weeks till i leave. I dropped by gym around the constant time sai came the first time. I was dissapointed when sai didnt come over but happy as hell when sai came. I remembered just sitting and reading on my table when i saw a miss call from Sai. I had called sai back and we began to talk again.

In my dark moments after Sai left me, i hit the gym daily. i was doing exactly the same thing i did in the past 2 weeks. I ran like crazy. My friends asked if i was trying to lose weight. Some seniors remarked to my friends they admire my determination. Little did they know i was running away literally from my problem. I wish endorphins made me happier. But i know my days did flew faster. It didnt help that i was still in a bad shape nearing my end of semester test. I flunk 2 papers. I just didnt think becoming a doctor was more important. What i wanted that time was to make Sai regret. Truth was, i dont even know if sai cared. Because sai kept mump. I felt my life and sai's life drifted further and further.

In my university exam, i did think of flunking. I did tell my friend that perhaps all i need was another nightmare to get rid of this nightmare. Now i am lucky i did not. That did not meant that i didnt emo after that. I did ask god why i passed it and why drinking made me feel worse. I felt i didnt deserve to pass when i saw friends who worked hard stumble. Honestly, i dont think sai would know what happened to me even if i died. My friend had asked me what if Sai didnt come for my funeral if i really died. would that worth it? All i know is that i am cut out from Sai's life. Even if Sai did talk to me back, i would create a rift between Sai and Sai's partner. To be honest, all i wanted was sai to fight for me,to never give up on me,to tell me that my insecurities are crazy and calm me of my deepest fear. The fact that sai didnt do anything was why i was furious. Come to think of it, i think Sai never would let me stand in between sai and Sai's partner. Otherwise why didnt sai fight for me?
I remembered sai saying she couldnt win the fight on me with Sai's partner during our 2 weeks war. That time, i was touched that she tried which was why i was grateful we reconciled. maybe it was also the fault of my arrogance, the assumption that i was going to win every fight. The fact that i used the 2 weeks to hold sai my emotional hostage,that sai owed it to me.

the 2 weeks war triggered many many other fights after that. now i know i was the one. i was trying to hide my insecurities, my feeling of insecurity made me pushed it all away. Its my fault that Sai remains a memory instead of a reality. This fact is like a slap on my own face.

There is a saying about a dogs life. It goes something like this
'a dog may be one of ur many dogs but to a dog, you are his whole life'
This is how i feel about me and Sai. 

Part 3

My parents think i feel stress because of medicine.
No its not. Medicine itself is stressful but this is not medicines fault. It is my issue with Sai.
And i cannot share this with them. I do not want to worry them nor can i make them understand this.

Why is Sai called sai?
because our proper meeting occured in Saiba.
After my holidays, returning for a fresh semester, i had managed to ask Sai for a dinner together, sai treat. It was an anxious event for me. I had to plan what i want to wear, reach there early,reminded myself to take care of my table manners. It went quite well. i had drunk my 2nd lemon juice, to prolonged our dinner. stuffed to the max, i had managed again to persuit a stop over at the coffeeshop. I wished the night will never end but there was nothing more i could drag further. i remember myself feeling happy.

Before the proper dinner, on a trip in the bus, i had overheard a rather unpleasant conversation about sai. A conversation that had made me feel uneasy, angry at those people gossiping, made me doubted sai. I was disturbed to summarise. I had told Sai what i overheard but i wasnt told the whole story. I remembered one night i just snapped and screamed at sai telling sai i couldnt take this weird behaviour of keeping me in the dark,this hot and cold behaviour. I remember screaming in anger but what else i said i cannot recall now. The effect of the screaming, sai had attitude change towards me. That was the beginning of the friendship between me and sai. It was also the beginning of our many phone calls, texts and my letter writing habit.

I remember Sai told me that our formal relationship crumbled because i had called sai an idiot. What i didnt tell Sai was the fact i am so casual was the fact i liked sai alot. I never could understand this hierachy and need for formalities. 

Part 2

I regret not being honest with myself and Sai
i regret assuming that i could be generous and be god like. I am a man, and as all men, i too have my own weaknesses and flaws.
It was jealousy and anger that took Sai away from me. I was poisoned by jealousy, jealousy of newly married sai, anger at what i could not have or dream to have.
I remember sai telling me that sai didnt want to lose me but gut feeling told sai that we would part  and i remember those words till now. i remembered too after hearing those words, i had just dismissed it of as ya ya it wont happen or i had muttered that i too doesnt want to lose sai.

words, promises as easy and casually it can be said shouldnt be said if its not meant.

I assumed that sai would come looking back for me like the 2 weeks fight we had. i was over confident and an idiot. after that massive fight sai had ignored me and i was furious as ever. i succumbed to anger, threatening, spamming texts and mails, calling acquaintainces. The last call i had gotten from Sai, was to leave sai alone and that i had caused enough trouble.

And that was how my darkest period started. Blank stares, endless tears,sitting and mopping in the room, forlorned. I wouldve diagnosed myself with depression but at that time, i really thought i was mere sadness. Till the day Sai moved and left elsewhere, we had 0 conversations. Till now, 2 years since we stopped talking, Sai did not return to find me. The last time i checked, i found out sai has settled somewhere, found a job and the cost of this information had ignited my heartache again. I wonder if sai has any children now but in my minds eye i see sai settled and happy. without me.

There is a song called love not enough by raymond lam, which i repeatedly listen to, with hopes that i grasp his wisdom he tries to impart in it. He sings let go, because u did not love enough and that if they are happy with this seperation, just let it be cause not everything u need to own it. Some days i agree some days i dont. Now i think i begin to understand it.

Have you ever miss someone so badly that your heart feels hollow? And when you know your presence will bring unhappiness to that person you just wallow down that missing feeling and let the tears stream down your cheeks? Because the other person doesnt need to know about this and i feel that i owe this to Sai. And if by doing this can make sai happy and peaceful, i am ready to accept this scar as a part of myself.

Part 1

To a friend i once had, to my only reader who thinks i can write well

Once upon a time, i did thought to become a writer and once upon a time i did enjoyed writing eventhough it was just letters.Like all stories, something happened and i took my anger into not writing anymore. In fact, i did ended up in a writers block, my writing momentum stopped, and my ielts writing i got 6.5. Words, i have come to realise resonate in my mind when i am happy. Its also a blunder that i hadnt noticed i was happy, very happy during those times.

There is a wall in my room, pasted with glow in the dark stars. the stars as months goes by has multiplied in numbers. those stars i used to like looking at while lying down on bed. now i look at those stars at night while i lay awake at night, my brain sorting out its many emotions. the stars have witnessed my many turmoils, my anxieties, my happiness and my burnt out moments. i wonder in few more months when i move out, what will happen to those stars.

I have thought about writing this story down in pen and paper for sometime. I had managed to some extend but then with my fighter mode on, i discontinued it. I had managed to bluff myself that by hiding it and sweeping it all under the carpet, it didnt exist and its all going to be fine. Denial, that is. But what i was wrong was my subconcious mind wasnt free from all this. Some psychiatry law on tip of the iceberg had made me thought of this. My goal now is to write it down, hope that once its written, i can let go.

Every story starts with a meeting. Mine was curiosity. Exactly what drove the curiosity baffles me. Now i would say it was a certain attraction driven by fate and the right timing. Usually i hear a gossip and i discard it but this particular gossip stayed and i went on a trail to persue it. The silly little things i do to try to know someone. I became more aware of this person (shall i call sai). I became more aware of info regarding sai. and i went on to meet Sai. The only problem was sai was cordial, difficult to build rapport and i think i was always forcing a conversation with sai. i went overboard and when i think of it now, its the beginning of an obsession.

I couldve chosen anyone else to help me revise. but my crafty mind used the opportunity to get sai to help me with it. Sai was partly the reason i read more. I was reading more to find more questions to ask sai,so we can have more conversations. I dont know if sai enjoyed talking to me. I have a feeling that sai was trying to be polite but the way i was pushing it was annoying to sai. It went on for sometime. I remembered organising a stopover at sai's hometown, in high hopes of sai being at home that time but it didnt happened. The stopover wasnt that exciting as i had hoped for. nonetheless, it provided me with an opportunity to talk to Sai.

take off time

Getting away from medicine periodically is essential. to maintain sanity.

that is what ive begun to realise.

only when i get away from it will i remember the sole reason why i chose medicine, why medicine is attractive.

in the past few years in clinic ive witnessed many dr vs god situations both personally and while training.

perhaps thats where my get away clock begins ticking away. 

sometimes i wonder whether its me who needs medicine or medicine needs me. i think its me who need it more, its me who wants medicine to bring me to a cure of my own deficiencies. 

i dreamt today of revisiting a place. more of like a fantasy. its not the right time yet. the day will come soon i guess when i m fully ready.

anyways..