I regret not being honest with myself and Sai
i regret assuming that i could be generous and be god like. I am a man, and as all men, i too have my own weaknesses and flaws.
It was jealousy and anger that took Sai away from me. I was poisoned by jealousy, jealousy of newly married sai, anger at what i could not have or dream to have.
I remember sai telling me that sai didnt want to lose me but gut feeling told sai that we would part and i remember those words till now. i remembered too after hearing those words, i had just dismissed it of as ya ya it wont happen or i had muttered that i too doesnt want to lose sai.
words, promises as easy and casually it can be said shouldnt be said if its not meant.
I assumed that sai would come looking back for me like the 2 weeks fight we had. i was over confident and an idiot. after that massive fight sai had ignored me and i was furious as ever. i succumbed to anger, threatening, spamming texts and mails, calling acquaintainces. The last call i had gotten from Sai, was to leave sai alone and that i had caused enough trouble.
And that was how my darkest period started. Blank stares, endless tears,sitting and mopping in the room, forlorned. I wouldve diagnosed myself with depression but at that time, i really thought i was mere sadness. Till the day Sai moved and left elsewhere, we had 0 conversations. Till now, 2 years since we stopped talking, Sai did not return to find me. The last time i checked, i found out sai has settled somewhere, found a job and the cost of this information had ignited my heartache again. I wonder if sai has any children now but in my minds eye i see sai settled and happy. without me.
There is a song called love not enough by raymond lam, which i repeatedly listen to, with hopes that i grasp his wisdom he tries to impart in it. He sings let go, because u did not love enough and that if they are happy with this seperation, just let it be cause not everything u need to own it. Some days i agree some days i dont. Now i think i begin to understand it.
Have you ever miss someone so badly that your heart feels hollow? And when you know your presence will bring unhappiness to that person you just wallow down that missing feeling and let the tears stream down your cheeks? Because the other person doesnt need to know about this and i feel that i owe this to Sai. And if by doing this can make sai happy and peaceful, i am ready to accept this scar as a part of myself.
i regret assuming that i could be generous and be god like. I am a man, and as all men, i too have my own weaknesses and flaws.
It was jealousy and anger that took Sai away from me. I was poisoned by jealousy, jealousy of newly married sai, anger at what i could not have or dream to have.
I remember sai telling me that sai didnt want to lose me but gut feeling told sai that we would part and i remember those words till now. i remembered too after hearing those words, i had just dismissed it of as ya ya it wont happen or i had muttered that i too doesnt want to lose sai.
words, promises as easy and casually it can be said shouldnt be said if its not meant.
I assumed that sai would come looking back for me like the 2 weeks fight we had. i was over confident and an idiot. after that massive fight sai had ignored me and i was furious as ever. i succumbed to anger, threatening, spamming texts and mails, calling acquaintainces. The last call i had gotten from Sai, was to leave sai alone and that i had caused enough trouble.
And that was how my darkest period started. Blank stares, endless tears,sitting and mopping in the room, forlorned. I wouldve diagnosed myself with depression but at that time, i really thought i was mere sadness. Till the day Sai moved and left elsewhere, we had 0 conversations. Till now, 2 years since we stopped talking, Sai did not return to find me. The last time i checked, i found out sai has settled somewhere, found a job and the cost of this information had ignited my heartache again. I wonder if sai has any children now but in my minds eye i see sai settled and happy. without me.
There is a song called love not enough by raymond lam, which i repeatedly listen to, with hopes that i grasp his wisdom he tries to impart in it. He sings let go, because u did not love enough and that if they are happy with this seperation, just let it be cause not everything u need to own it. Some days i agree some days i dont. Now i think i begin to understand it.
Have you ever miss someone so badly that your heart feels hollow? And when you know your presence will bring unhappiness to that person you just wallow down that missing feeling and let the tears stream down your cheeks? Because the other person doesnt need to know about this and i feel that i owe this to Sai. And if by doing this can make sai happy and peaceful, i am ready to accept this scar as a part of myself.
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