During 2 weeks of war with sai, i had resorted to running my ass off. I ran hard to tire myself, to stop myself from thinking or crying. Contrary to Sai, i am not an emotionally detached person and i am not very much successful at controlling my mind. Sai could stop thinking about things by keeping busy. I am not such person.
I remember going to breakfast to bump into Sai during those 2 weeks, i was heartbroken when Sai sat at a different table. I also remembered barging to Sai's place,cried and made a scene but Sai remained cool. I think sai became even more pissed. All my letters got teared away emotionless.
I was at fault too. i constantly wanted to break away from sai. i wanted to end our friendship. Now i know it was because of my jealousy. And i had felt insecure. If and only if i was honest to talk about it, or to realise that losing Sai was worse i wouldve save myself from this.
It was during one of my gym moments i saw Sai jogging in the track upstairs. I was instantaneously happy, i pretended not to look at Sai jogging but in fact my eyes were observing sai. I had texted Sai a hi, i remember having the impulse to go up and jog at the track but i did not follow that impulse. Sai did not replied my message. Later only did i know Sai had purposely came to gym to glimpse at me,had lingered around near my place but at wrong hours. Sai had told me that Sai was as happy as i am after seeing me.
Sai and I reconcile few days after that, few times after seeing each other at the gym and 4 more weeks till i leave. I dropped by gym around the constant time sai came the first time. I was dissapointed when sai didnt come over but happy as hell when sai came. I remembered just sitting and reading on my table when i saw a miss call from Sai. I had called sai back and we began to talk again.
In my dark moments after Sai left me, i hit the gym daily. i was doing exactly the same thing i did in the past 2 weeks. I ran like crazy. My friends asked if i was trying to lose weight. Some seniors remarked to my friends they admire my determination. Little did they know i was running away literally from my problem. I wish endorphins made me happier. But i know my days did flew faster. It didnt help that i was still in a bad shape nearing my end of semester test. I flunk 2 papers. I just didnt think becoming a doctor was more important. What i wanted that time was to make Sai regret. Truth was, i dont even know if sai cared. Because sai kept mump. I felt my life and sai's life drifted further and further.
In my university exam, i did think of flunking. I did tell my friend that perhaps all i need was another nightmare to get rid of this nightmare. Now i am lucky i did not. That did not meant that i didnt emo after that. I did ask god why i passed it and why drinking made me feel worse. I felt i didnt deserve to pass when i saw friends who worked hard stumble. Honestly, i dont think sai would know what happened to me even if i died. My friend had asked me what if Sai didnt come for my funeral if i really died. would that worth it? All i know is that i am cut out from Sai's life. Even if Sai did talk to me back, i would create a rift between Sai and Sai's partner. To be honest, all i wanted was sai to fight for me,to never give up on me,to tell me that my insecurities are crazy and calm me of my deepest fear. The fact that sai didnt do anything was why i was furious. Come to think of it, i think Sai never would let me stand in between sai and Sai's partner. Otherwise why didnt sai fight for me?
I remembered sai saying she couldnt win the fight on me with Sai's partner during our 2 weeks war. That time, i was touched that she tried which was why i was grateful we reconciled. maybe it was also the fault of my arrogance, the assumption that i was going to win every fight. The fact that i used the 2 weeks to hold sai my emotional hostage,that sai owed it to me.
the 2 weeks war triggered many many other fights after that. now i know i was the one. i was trying to hide my insecurities, my feeling of insecurity made me pushed it all away. Its my fault that Sai remains a memory instead of a reality. This fact is like a slap on my own face.
There is a saying about a dogs life. It goes something like this
'a dog may be one of ur many dogs but to a dog, you are his whole life'
This is how i feel about me and Sai.
I remember going to breakfast to bump into Sai during those 2 weeks, i was heartbroken when Sai sat at a different table. I also remembered barging to Sai's place,cried and made a scene but Sai remained cool. I think sai became even more pissed. All my letters got teared away emotionless.
I was at fault too. i constantly wanted to break away from sai. i wanted to end our friendship. Now i know it was because of my jealousy. And i had felt insecure. If and only if i was honest to talk about it, or to realise that losing Sai was worse i wouldve save myself from this.
It was during one of my gym moments i saw Sai jogging in the track upstairs. I was instantaneously happy, i pretended not to look at Sai jogging but in fact my eyes were observing sai. I had texted Sai a hi, i remember having the impulse to go up and jog at the track but i did not follow that impulse. Sai did not replied my message. Later only did i know Sai had purposely came to gym to glimpse at me,had lingered around near my place but at wrong hours. Sai had told me that Sai was as happy as i am after seeing me.
Sai and I reconcile few days after that, few times after seeing each other at the gym and 4 more weeks till i leave. I dropped by gym around the constant time sai came the first time. I was dissapointed when sai didnt come over but happy as hell when sai came. I remembered just sitting and reading on my table when i saw a miss call from Sai. I had called sai back and we began to talk again.
In my dark moments after Sai left me, i hit the gym daily. i was doing exactly the same thing i did in the past 2 weeks. I ran like crazy. My friends asked if i was trying to lose weight. Some seniors remarked to my friends they admire my determination. Little did they know i was running away literally from my problem. I wish endorphins made me happier. But i know my days did flew faster. It didnt help that i was still in a bad shape nearing my end of semester test. I flunk 2 papers. I just didnt think becoming a doctor was more important. What i wanted that time was to make Sai regret. Truth was, i dont even know if sai cared. Because sai kept mump. I felt my life and sai's life drifted further and further.
In my university exam, i did think of flunking. I did tell my friend that perhaps all i need was another nightmare to get rid of this nightmare. Now i am lucky i did not. That did not meant that i didnt emo after that. I did ask god why i passed it and why drinking made me feel worse. I felt i didnt deserve to pass when i saw friends who worked hard stumble. Honestly, i dont think sai would know what happened to me even if i died. My friend had asked me what if Sai didnt come for my funeral if i really died. would that worth it? All i know is that i am cut out from Sai's life. Even if Sai did talk to me back, i would create a rift between Sai and Sai's partner. To be honest, all i wanted was sai to fight for me,to never give up on me,to tell me that my insecurities are crazy and calm me of my deepest fear. The fact that sai didnt do anything was why i was furious. Come to think of it, i think Sai never would let me stand in between sai and Sai's partner. Otherwise why didnt sai fight for me?
I remembered sai saying she couldnt win the fight on me with Sai's partner during our 2 weeks war. That time, i was touched that she tried which was why i was grateful we reconciled. maybe it was also the fault of my arrogance, the assumption that i was going to win every fight. The fact that i used the 2 weeks to hold sai my emotional hostage,that sai owed it to me.
the 2 weeks war triggered many many other fights after that. now i know i was the one. i was trying to hide my insecurities, my feeling of insecurity made me pushed it all away. Its my fault that Sai remains a memory instead of a reality. This fact is like a slap on my own face.
There is a saying about a dogs life. It goes something like this
'a dog may be one of ur many dogs but to a dog, you are his whole life'
This is how i feel about me and Sai.
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