My parting writeup

I feel the weight on my shoulders, my hearts heavy with it. 

I am talking about an issue ive kept in the dark for so long. 

Its time to throw away this weight before i embark on another phase of adventure.

Talking it out to my friend, i feel lighter and more free. More importantly, when i talk about it i can hear my own thoughts, feel my own emotions, reflect on it. 

Theres been a good few times since i talk about it. each time after i feel the issue is getting more trivial. I have slowly learnt to see it as a past memory, a memory which i learn to control how my emotions react to it. 

I am talking about my story with X.

In a few more days from now i will start packing my things. Its not the same as before. Its never the same.

i remember walking into this very room without even cleaning it prior because i was busy texting. i remember bringing in limited stuff and that the room echos when i speak. i remember my parents helping me unpack and putting on the grey curtain which is still unwash since it was hung 2 years ago. i remember how resentful i was coming into this state and being here.

I remember the numerous nights i cried in this room, the numerous times the most heartbreaking conversations i had in this room, the few times few friends cry with me in this room, or at least their eyes turned red seeing me cry. I remember the nights in this room where i feel so much pain and it was unbearable that i prayed in this room. I had few conversations with god right here in this room.

And in this room i remembed looking at facebook at the most shockening discovery and burst into tears. I also remember the times i locked myself inside this room, away from people, in the hopes of having some time alone and sulk.

In this room too i found solace in the dhamma talk. It witnessed my anxiousness for many many exams, feel my determination to do well at times. It provided me a comforting bed to rest, to do nothing and a cloud of personal space. In this cubicle i had many many happy conversations filled with laughter. Many awesome experimental dishes were created in this room and it hosted many visits whereby feeding people gave me alot of joy. It witnessed some of the moments i felt i found hope and peace. It witnessed my rise from being an awful driver to a better one. It saw how many words i can churn out, recording my life tale. 

It has been a good stay and i wish that the person after me enjoy this room as much as i do. 

It never occured to me that the most memorable thing on this campus for me turned out to be this room. 

The very day i came back i knew the time will come when i leave this place. The very day i moved in i knew one day i will move out. It seems surreal and it still does seem that way. 

I took for granted those moments i came back. Along the way i wanted to fast forward to the ending. and somewhere nearing the end, i realised that i wanted to prolong this story. 

I understand now the deep meaning of the saying 'this too shall pass'

The last exam for this whole 5 years

Today is the last exam in this 5 year period.

It did not end with any victory dance or champagne popping.

I just wanted to go back, collapse and sleep. And that didnt happened as well.

I was the first few candidates this time. which meant i was always the first group to attempt clinical exams. it meant i had to get up early which really isnt a good timing. my brain is fuzzy in the mornings. on nights where i have to sleep early i end up having sleepless nights.

Pre quarantine room has a buzzer. each time it goes off it sets a new wave of tension to those in the room. at the end of 3 buzzers, the usherers will call in a new set of candidates. i look forward to my number being called out each time as waiting for ones turn with the buzzer going off every 10 mins is abit too stressful. if i could read everyones mind it would sound lets just get it done and over with.

the number of people slowly shrank and the stress levels escalates higher and higher. it was at one point where i observed everyone just shut their books and stare into space. a few resorted to discussing with their peers. not many people touched the sandwich given which was just miserable thin spread of jam or mayo or sardin in 2 miserable thin dry looking bread. even i avoided the sandwich.

twice i jumped on my feet when the usherers called my number. and twice too they asked me to sit and that i have 2 mins before i can move. it made me looked like a fool.

my first pitstop was ong lead by an examiner with a weird gait. he was like a hawk, zooming in on every mistake i made during running commentary. its scary to have 4 examiner looking at what u are doing. but i survived though i was very jittery. only the surgeon was trying to help and i was grateful for that. the rest stood quietly, poker face. i stopped looking at any of them except the surgeon.
next stop was a kid lying on the bed. looks normal but abnormal. everything in peads was a disaster. i cannot recall much, stood there fumbling. remember how gordon ramsay always screamed get a grip at the contestants when they are going down? there was no gordon ramsay here, but i was going down. when the bell rang i knew i screwed up.
my last shot was surgery. never had i feel so happy when i saw a thyroid goitre. i thank god that i practiced thyroid often. i managed with a few prompts here and there. it wasnt a straight forward thyroid case, when the surgeon exposed the chest, there stood the mastectomy scar. my god.. i had missed it but now i know its metastasis.

the bell rang for the final time and i was done. i muttered thank you and stood at one corner until the usherers told me  i had to get inside the post quarantine room. i feel tired and quite screwed.

post quarantine room is small, stuffy and we were quite packed. every 30 minutes new faces will join the room and its filled with a buzz. everyone wants to know what everyone got. theres a hole up the quarantine room, it was so noisy that the next door could hear us. 3 times examiners told us to keep quiet and obviously no one heeded. the 4th time the examiner came,he was so pissed i could hear the f word. since then, it was deafening silence.
the buzzer was still there, and its the sole reason why i couldnt sleep. i regaled my exam moments to many many people. listened to their exam moments too. i was hungry and drained. i was 1 hour away from my bed in campus, not getting onto the return bus anytime soon.

the moment where we could board the bus was liberation. i slept, woke up and wondered when i slept off. and i was halfway back to campus.

exam is over. now is just results time.

i have tried. now i pray for courage to face the outcome.
5 years of learning has just been completed.

A blessed day

Today is one of those days i feel blessed.

Today i thank god for letting me chose the lot with a psychiatry case.

I had been having a strong gut feeling that i will get psychiatry but because of my horrible performance during osce, i was filled with alot apprehension..

psy is my strongest subject so far.

Because of this it had been a game changer. i now feel positive that i will and i can clear these final papers. to be honest the whole time since finals started i was feeling shitty. i didnt feel the stress i used to feel and i was very much disturbed that its a sign that everything is going to go haywire.

today is a sign that really, everything is out of control. all i should do is to keep calm and have faith. 

The positivity notes that i resonant on this page seems superficial. it sounds abit fake to me but i do not deny that i feel exactly like this. 

bells of travelling has started ringing. it gets me excited. :) 

i wonder whats it like to see the same sky as X. 

i worry too that going to the same zone as X will trigger my sadness. i shall take this as a test to me letting go. i never thought that one day i will go into the same place as X. 

one more round to go.

truly, i am blessed. 

matter of the heart

These past few days i can sense that i miss X alot.
that feeling that comes deep down my heart when i remembered memories of X in it. the good and the bad memories.
the urge to suddenly tell X something random only X isnt here.
i cant bring myself to write another email to X because i am sure X doesnt read my mails. i dont have the heart to send it because i know X is happy and i want to keep it that way. Isnt this what i wanted last time, to see X moved on in life and be happy.

Why i feel X is the closest person to me is because ive took off all barriers of myself and let X know the real me. the flaws in me as well. i have taken off all the protective walls ive built and that is why i feel so much of pain. Do i regret it? no because that is how true relationships should be. just because im afraid of getting burn doesnt mean i should avoid the fire completely.

it frustrates me sometimes that certain friends dont understand what i try to tell them. in a way, i realised what C actually told me was true, it shows the wisdom C has because of her age. i didnt tell C the latest feelings i have. C doesnt need this extra unnecessary burden and i dont want C to scream at me. sometimes i feel C is able to read my mind without me saying. i value C alot, like family now.

after this exam business i really want to get all this emotions sorted out. i need a retreat for myself. some time off, do things i wanna do, run off for an adventure. i need to recharge myself. i still feel annoyed that my parents hadnt understood my need to recharge myself during the middle of the year. but then whats the use of those frustrations now?

when i write i hear my own thoughts. though its not as good as what i used to be able to write but it helps me vent. its a lot of emo stuff up there. it can only get better now.
one tiny step a day no. 

Alot of wondering

Today i saw 3 mothers with their kids in a cafe. the 3 mothers were around 30plus, they chatted non stop while their kids play with one another.
it makes me wonder how my life will be when i am at that age.
since awhile ago i look forward to turn 30 but now i am not so sure. looking at teenagers or anyone with the same age as me i feel very old. medicine and its constant need to keep reading has matured my brain much ahead of other people.
while i still yearn for adventures and to contribute to humanity, i pause now for a moment. being normal is much easier than being phenomenal.

i had thought that i would end 5 years of labour with improved dedication, my hopes are well buried. i cannot stop feeling that this 5 years is becoming draggy and exams are too routine to be bothered. there isnt much enthuisism in finishing strong.

that sense of failure i get when i was in the psychiatry osce last wed still lingers around. my very best subject, and yet i faltered and crumbled in that station.

what can keep me going in medicine?
soon i hope i will have an answer to this. because without that i dont know if i can last  my working years. 

No cullying of strays!

There has been few cases of rabies reported by the veterinary department, 2 states declared to have rabies case and a week long of outcry from dog lovers over the recent decision of penang state cullying stray dogs.

As a dog lover i strongly think its a very immature situation. do we start killing people when h1n1 or ebola outbreaks occured? we quarantine, vaccinate, treat and try to condone transmission as much as possible. im given an impression that humans life is much more precious than animals. this is prolly the reason why wildlife continues to go extinct. as long as such ideas exist in our minds, there will not be an inkling in our minds that we are sharing this earth with other beings.

the rabies outbreak points to a deeper problem. stray population keep on rising because of irresponsible people who dump their pets, pet owners who do not neuter their pets. why do we allow this to happen? the lack of enforcement is one to blame. some pet owners are so ignorant about their responsiblities towards their pets. at the end of the day pet shelters like paws,spca, etc are the ones who help clean the mess. these people adopt strays, vaccinate them, and nurse them back to health. please also be reminded that these shelters are non govermental organisation, solely operated by donations and volunteers of compassionate people. they did a good job. with this dog cullying business, it has broken many hearts of these animal lovers. i sense their sadness, their despair over not able to do anything, not able to protect the fragile strays.

the most outrageous thing ive heard so far is there is not enough vaccines available to vaccinate these dogs. to add oil into the anger of many other people, no one brought up how we can solve this problem. instead, they jump on the idea of mass killing. can a doctor say im sorry i do not have enough antibiotics to treat ur infection, can i please amputate ur limb? in medicine, we all have been taught and engraved in our brains that each life is sacred and very much important irrespective of whose life it is. this event violates everything i have been taught.

enough said, i am against the mass cullying of strays.

Chatting with myself

All this while i have been looking at the wrong direction. partly because i had been taking advices literally.
i had thought time will fade my sorrows away. in between waiting for time to act, i found anger. i was angry at why i was miserable and stuck here and being forgotten.
and then i realised i had to let go because holding on hurts me more. letting go to me was just forgetting it, and just walk away.
what i had done wrong was i failed to acknowledge that i cannot change what has already occured. all this while i had been trying to fix things, to mend things and perhaps fantasize about forcing things to go my way.
what i now know that since this fall out with X i have learnt more about myself. i have found out my own weaknesses,and with it i found some dhamma teachings. this has to occur, i am growing and this is one of the things that i have to learnt in life.
i spent many months stuck in a rut, my brain is my worse enemy and convinced i couldnt snap out of it. its with this personal issue i can relate well to psychiatry. i can probably understand why mental illness is a torture, u get stuck in ur own thoughts, stuck in those mind blocks and no one seem to understand nor can they reach u.
it is for this reason i am very much fascinated by the mind and its powers.

i miss X dearly at times.
i miss the times we had. the jokes and the little things we do for each other.
but then if it didnt end, death will part us as well no?
Prolly after losing X i am now a little enlightened.

i wasnt kidding about renouncing the world by becoming a nun. many a times i mentioned it to my friends who laugh at my casual mentioning.
i still think of it, when i have a chance later in life.
i now understand alittle why most great doctors are god fearing religion loving peace seeking people. in medicine wisdom comes with experience but to practice medicine one needs compassion. who else can teach compassion better than religion? those philosophies and wise stories..

and this is why instead of saying prayers by asking god for a,b, c,etc i now only ask one thing. that is please guide me.

:)

Exams and hair

So far so good..
after 5 years of rigorous stressful exams, i have learnt the art of becoming calm. at least i am able to sleep without taking medications.
i have been wondering if this unusual calmness is because ive burnt out my enthuism for the exams or because this round there isnt any grand reward waiting for me like last year.
the worse is coming soon. soon when i have to go through clinical sessions i wonder will i still be calm..

on the contrary note, after many many many months of battling my stubborn curly and odd length hair, it finally has grown to an acceptable length where it can be tied.
just today my friend taught me how to tie a proper pony tail after days of teasing me about my inability to tie one. honestly i only know how to grab all of my hair and tie it. the ponytail lesson turn out to be a disaster. its time consuming and takes quite alot of effort. even now drying hair after baths is taking abit of toll on my sleep time.

just how long more i can take this long hair business i shall see when i begin working.
this change of image, its because i remembered a remark X said to me. i dont know how it went on but i left my hair long uncut. until this length now.
well.. 

My other interest

I never knew that one day it would be me fascinated by a monks talk.

I wonder now what is it like to be a monk and how do one train for monkhood.

Its quite interesting listening to ajahn brahms talk, which was introduced to me by a friend of mine when i was in despair over my own life events.

The talks opened up many perspectives of issues i never thought about. its closely related to psychology, a realm i find quite interesting.

I am still in the process of re-tuning to my brain.

I find myself getting more fascinated the more talks of his i hear. 

In the process i gained more insight about my own religion. I never am a fan of dharma talks. neither do i understand why so many senior doctors are so into religion. now i do understand abit.

i hope i will become wiser with this. 

something to ponder about

a good read
im still in stage 2


markmanson.net>4stagesoflife

When hearts communicate

This is prolly one of the few best things a friend said to me.
Its such a beautiful status.
 wisdoms in a short passage and that is how letting go means. 

the pondering brain

The brain is weird thing.
When its tired of fighting, it caves in to losing.
and when it hits rock bottom and realises the only option it has now is just to fight.
finish strong, finish it phenomenally.

living too many days in the past.
until i forgot how day light looks,how the warmth of the  sun feels, and the taste of freedom.
the brains own enemy is itself. really.

#vicetone #nothingstoppingme

A chat with my inner soul

I have heard this talk sometime ago, it just struck my mind just now.
A mother who had given birth to a stillborn baby was grieving,and she was struck with anger towards as why this had happened to her. Someone asked her, if given a choice,would u rather not have conceived this baby in the first place?
the mother obviously said no. it was worth it.

the reason why i thought about this was i had forgotten to ask myself a very important question.
given a chance, would i not known X?
i would answer what the mother answered above.

i only realised how much good things that had happened to me after X left. i was too busy focusing on the part X left, blamed myself and X. getting angry, sad and then hurt. its a viscious cycle.
i understood the above story but i understood it with my mind. i didnt accept it.
all this while, i think i own X. because of this i lost my individuality,maybe brought pain to X for my behaviour. because i think i owned X and its for this reason i think X should give in to whatever i ask for because this is how property ownership works.
what i didnt really get it was X came, shared a part of my life and left for her adventure. i wanted more and more of X. really.

the next time i start my mental torture i will again ask myself the same question.
i did at some point wish i didnt meet X but its not true. i still smile at our memories when it crosses my mind.

and again i ask myself dont u think X deserve better?
yes X does deserve better. the smile i see X has on her photos are the ones i never see before. the next time i find myself moping sad over how forgotten i am in X life i will ask myself again this above question. though im supporting non violence, i would actually be violent if i rob X of her smile she deserves. do i really want to see X gloomy n sad? and if i did see that would i be happy i caused someone so much of misery?

i think the greatest thing to this issue is when my friend told me i lost myself when i became to involved in X's life. i agree,i was lost and confused.

all this great life philosophies i write up here,its great talk. really. as to how much i can live up to whatever i write i dont know. i wish one day i can finally scream eureka! ive learned the principles above. and perhaps that was wat X  presence is all about in my life.

recently in my revision class, one professor told us the best tears are always bittersweet. i wish those tears rolling down my cheek is bittersweet. becaude that would mean i am whole heartedly joyful for X.

Writing beyond pages of a book or a fiction story

Ever read a book and hated the ending? and then wishing to change it? or perhaps go through a phase of hating the author for writing such an ending?
I think generally writers love the idea that they are in control of whatever they write. sometimes they forgot too that they dont really write their own life story. its god who does it, if u really believe in one. fate if u dont agree to god. atheist call it choice.

I too was lost as the writer.

Growing up fears

This growing up thing is pretty scary to think about
its like being isolated from an animal pack and be expected to fend for urselves.
although this isolation in human is more gradual but still at times i feel scared.
scared because of the uncertainties out there yet exhilarated that im about to discover the world is pretty much limitless.
eventhough i am a captain of my own vessel, i still not have a concrete sailing direction.
along with this thought, there is an inner sense of loneliness. i can sum it as 'every man for himself'.