sometime somewhere ago

Hello...

each time adeles song is played i tend to go into deep thoughts.
i wonder how adele can sum up exactly what i feel about something so perfectly.
although rationally theres nothing i can do but this song reminds me what subconciously i have been yearning to do.
through this song i can vividly see how hopeless,helpless and stuck i was not too long ago.

i guess i was wrong that anything worse happening will erase those memories. it gave me a reason to deal with the present issue. till then i guess its about time to listen to monk talks.

life as it is now

The first week after operation, it felt like my whole world just crashed down on me.
I limped into the operation threatre in good spirits, painless and abit worried. I came out of it nauseous, numbed waist down and my leg the size of a giant sausage. This wasnt the part that made me sad. It was the fact that after the effect of anesthesia worn off, i realised i couldnt move around. I couldnt lift my leg, couldnt go to the toilet,cant sleep on my side. After being discharged, i couldnt put my feet on the ground due to pain. my arm ached, my palms sore. it was then i realised that crutches needed alot of hand power. the brace was so heavy that it felt like a rock was tied to my leg. It was also a time whereby getting in and out of the car was so difficult. i soon developed my own way which was to sit perpendicular to the opened door, used my arm power to push myself into the car, both my hands grab my leg and rotate it into the car. grab the crutches and lie it next to me, and finally i am good to go. putting on shoes and taking it off was a challenge as well. it was more like forcing my foot into the shoe. my feet was so swollen that it fit tightly into the shoes. Going to bed was also another issue as my leg was so weak, i couldnt lift it up the bed. someone needed to carry it for me. with my leg locked into the brace, it was super heavy.

with crutches, it means i could not carry things. i could not hold a cup to anywhere i want at home. i had to depend on someone to carry food to the table and wash it for me. i was pretty much dependent on everyone around me. for someone who is very used to being independent, reliance of this sort brought me close to tears. i felt helpless, frustrated and i had  been asking myself why the hell did i consented to surgery.

in the midst of all this troubles of mine, i was reminded of a patient ive met earlier this year. a young guy in his mid 30's who came in with stroke. his half body felt weak. it wasnt his case that i was reminded of. it was his eyes. in his eyes i saw fear and sadness. i can now relate to how he felt. how terrified he was at that time. i also realised that despite the care and support received, no one will actually know how it feels unless they experience it before.

i am actually very thankful to ajahn brahm because of a talk he told about 'this will pass'. its a huge source of solace. i use this phrase to remind myself that this too shall pass whenever i get disheartened.

by now, i am quite used to people staring at my leg in its brace. kids stare at it with such curiosity. i am also used to food vendors who enquire if my leg is a consequence of a fall or motor vehicle accident. many times as well i receive get well remarks as well. i have also seen many acts of random kindness in this whole process. people opening doors for me, holding the lift, clearing the way, pausing a few seconds to make sure i dont fall when i hobble up steps. ive also met people who blocked my way, came so close in the lift and just ignore my presence when something was obstructing my path. ive learnt how people with disability feels first hand. there are moments in life when random acts of kindness inspires me,there are moments whereby i was disheartened and disgusted over how society treats people with disability. what a good way to explain the phrase c'est la vie since ive experienced the ups and downs of this situation.

I am the patient

There is a sentence in the medical textbook that i remember clearly now because i can relate to it personally. it says 'no joint is more perfect than the ones given by god'.

Looking back, i did not know where did my courage to sign my first operation consent. I have a feeling it wasnt courage but more of naiivity. As much as i understood the whole process of the operation, the risks and complications, anesthesia complication, and all that medical jargon, i didnt understood what patients normally understood until i went through post op. I spend 24 hours after signing the consent panicking if im doing the right thing and wondering if i would die from the op. I also debated in my head the pros and cons. I signed the consent and then informed my parents while hiding the fact i was panicking. i was their medical kid afterall.

the doctor is a calm bloke. he gave me all my options and let me decide. he has that soothing aura and i am glad he listens to whatever issues i told him. i did hinted to him im in the same field as him but im not sure if he believes me. nevertheless i am thankful that i met him.

inside the operation threatre, everything seems familiar. the whole procedure is familiar to me. i just changed into the ot gown, gave my hand to have the brannula inserted, gave my arm for bp to be recorded. basically i just followed every instruction like an obedient puppy. the anesthesia guy was very accomodating, he delivered pearls of wisdom in medicine to me, joked around to ease my apprehensive mood, taught me lumbar puncture while inserting the spinal needle into my spine.
it took an extra long spinal needle to do the job. the multiple pricks that i endured made me think im never ever going to give birth. it was a difficult process to insert the needle, even i could sense the tension from the anesthetist and the nurse. he remarked later that everything turns difficult whenever someone in the medical fraternity is the patient..

i have to say morphine gave me the feeling i was floating in the air. the sedative made me feel like ive drank a few shots. it was all pleasant. the only feeling i hated was when my legs become numb. its a scary moment because at that point i finally realised how a paralysed person felt.
ive heard stories about how anesthesia let u meet god. i had high hopes of meeting god but it didnt happen. there was no dreams either. i didnt even realise when i dozed off.

i open my eyes and heard everyone in the op threatre talking,the faint background music, and the anesthetist asking me if im alright to which i made an ok sign. he later in pulled the surgical cloth away so i could see the screen. i saw my own operation.
then it was all done, the doctor muttered updates to me and then i was in the post op bay. i still couldnt feel a thing below waist.

they gave me pethidine in the ward. i wasnt allowed to get down the bed so i had to peed in the bed pan. my first experience again. i puked so much post op. my head spinning. my moms presence is comforting. whatever brave thought i had about being able to take care of myself vanished. i was an idiot to think i could be independent after operation.

the next few days was torment. the pain was intense despite eating painkillers. it was pain that woke me from sleep,robbed me of sleep. i was depressed because i am dependent on so many people, i was in pain and i start to get a glimpse on the road of recovery which isnt going to be easy. my limb were so swollen its 3 times its original size. i was bed bound. sponging replaced bathing. peeing was on a bedpan. so many people saw me naked that i lost count. i was grateful to those student nurses who helped clean me up.

the physiotherapist came on the 3rd post op day. i took an instant liking towards the physiotherapist. dressed in polo shirt,formal pants and sports shoe,she was encouraging. whatever hopes i had on being mobile were dashed. there was so much pain that it was only going to be on bed exercises. i spent many times staring at my limbs, my brain commanding it but it failed to move. not a flicker of movement. not a jerk seen. the image of my healthy limb stared back at me. it was depressing.

now i am slowly adjusting to life of an invalid.
i go out in public and i catch people staring at my limb. i pretend that i dont see them staring, i make a smile. i say more thank you now whenever strangers hold the lift, open the door, clear the path. i see so many acts of random kindness these days. i also see ignorant people who discriminate handicap people like me. in short, i have now seen 2 sides of a coin of life.

doctor turned patient i am now.
and guess where it leaves me, a highly educated patient. one where potential lawsuits can come from.

merry christmas! 

Dilemma

Its approaching year end again. almost that season for reflections. 

It scares me a little that my life is smooth sailing so far. Whenever i pause to reflect on it anxiety creeps up on me. I wonder when is the next downfall coming. I have been wondering about X. how apart and different our lives has become. In a way we both are better and happier i supposed. I cant stop feeling how different time can make things become. cant stop wondering what if i had known what i know now before. how different things would turn out. I am sometimes lost in my mind tunnels. its pointless spectaculating things anyways. i cannot change the past. i tried to change the past. fought the past. in the end, i was the one who got hurt more.

This reflection thing started because i sense i am fascinated with a particular character. and it frustrates me that this character is an odd ball. Also because of some statement this character told me. It just begun when i analysed those statements. 

It scares the shit out of me now because i am damn worried this X thing will repeat itself.

Sometimes i wonder to myself too where the heck is the rest of the population who can interest me with nice awesome conversations. i wonder too if the problem lies with me.

i am going to let time work its magic.

what  i learnt the hard way was not to be impulsive.

now i gotta restrain my curiosity. 

curiosity killed the cat. and i dont wanna be that cat. 

The journey home

A small change in plan, and i was home yesterday.
Yesterday was the first time i drove on the highway. with dad in the passenger seat.
I am still alive. Thanks to all the reminders not to speed and to follow the middle lane.
Driving on a highway isnt that exciting as i foresee it to be. Straight roads all over *yawns*. 110 km/hour speed max 120km/hour.. Keeping awake is not an issue with dads paranoid thoughts that anything can happen and i will die in a crash.
I still think the most amazing thing was i learn driving by myself. The countable near miss crash incident is unavoidable but i learnt from there.
Approaching the city is the yucky part. so many cars it looks as if a school of fish swimming in a big wide ocean. Not a chance to drive faster than 60km/hour..
Less traffic light compared to melaka.

I wonder how dogs remember their owners.
I came out of my car, silent. and they come wagging their tails with a friendly bark.
Its nice having 3 furry kids greet me home. Its nice to look at them too when they are sleeping. or doing whatever they do at home.

I spent the whole day clearing stuff in the room.
There are so many junk that needs to be disposed. I said goodbye to some of my old novels. Wiped the rack clean, lined them with a nice layer of paper. At the end of the day i stuffed all my books into the shelf and i have an empty clean table to use.
I hope to read on that table.. i wonder how is it going to happen since i barely flip any page of my novel next to me.

It feels like a vacation still.
It feels unbelievable that soon i will need to practice. It scares the hell out of me when i think of it.
This is the only reason why i am reminded daily i should flip my books a few page daily...

For now im home. 

Some interesting talks

Few days ago i went on roaming to thank professors personally. Some were modest about it,some i heard did not appreciate it. whatever it is, i have done my responsibility.
Graduating upgrades our hierachy in their eyes.. Maybe we reminded them of their graduation days too. Conversations do not happen much in this campus, usually its formal and curt. now its abit friendlier and a few unexpected souls will impart their wisdoms on u in practicing medicine. all in good intention to make us be better doctors.
i cant help feel the welcome into this club call doctors.

It had been a fruitful day as i got to chat with 2 interesting individuals. One of which wrote a long status about me. It wasnt a secret when friends of mine instinctively knew it was about me. I take this as an honour. Interesting talks on life, on experiences and motivation to go further into medicine. Some advice on places for houseman, the importance of gaining clinical competance in this 2 years. it sounds like pearls of wisdom to me. i hope i pay enough attention that later in it will benefit me in some little ways.
the dean in his speech told us we have 6 years from now to climb into specialist title. there are many hints of expectations on what we are supposed to acheive in a timeline. I sense a huge sense of excitement in the talk as well as a sense of responsibility now that the college name rest upon us. Seniors lived up to it and it is a norm that we continue to carry that good name.

Theres one question in the conversations that struck me personally. what will i miss in manipal.. i remember now the long gap of silence as i begin to reflect on it. And nothing came. really, nothing. blank. In  the end i answered, well i am ready to take off. Its true, med school is getting static as time drags on. I feel its time we move on to new terrains and sore on a different height. There is anxiety over the future with its uncertainties. Doubts whether i am ready or not. All in all i have learnt this time is to have faith and it will work itself.
 cant help feeling a new adventure is begining soon.

Of course saying goodbye to friends is not easy.
i have to admit after the brahm talks i am calmer and i have learnt to keep an open mind.
Its inevitable. Nothing is permanent afterall. It doesnt mean i do not grief over goodbyes. I do grief.
i hope my friends who are grieving too will find calmness. Its difficult to put into words how i view this now.

A diary sometime ago

While clearing my stuff i came across a diary i wrote last year when i was emotionally wrecked. off and on there is a page about X. how i feel about writing,how those blank pages incapacitated me. Now i know its never the blank pages making feel naked and vulnerable. all along it was me, i chose to run away and not be frank with myself. the words i wrote were a reflection of how bad in shape i was. I didnt want to face it because of the pain. Only when i learn that it keeps haunting me when i dont face it did i understood.
i flipped through it, surprisingly i feel calm. its like flipping through someone elses story.
Honestly whatever its written, it seems pretty insignificant. seems like a year ago i was already writing words of letting go.
2 quotes in the diary caught my attention.
and there was a page whereby i wrote i studied the wrong topics for theory paper. i did the same mistake this year as well. i read the important clinical topics and neglected the important ones for theory. twice and i did same mistake.
exactly last year too i wrote my travels to indoneisia, i wonder for what. then i wrote about the tense fear for p2s1.
i quoted alot from song lyrics. no wonder those few songs bring a sense of familarity to me when i listened to them.
i got bored, flipped the diary, tore off the pages and threw it inside the bin.
if theres one thing i want to do, it is not to bring the past into the future. i hadnt wrapped up manipal chapter properly last time. now i am happy these past few days i get to spend time with people who shared my 5 years journey with me. enjoying the last moments of packing and just sit in this room.
i will do this right this time.

if there is one thing i learnt this time, it would be to pick the eggs and not the shit.

Tonight

Today was the farewell party..
Not many lecturers attended, quite a dissapointed. these people are not that sporting as the ones in manipal. sometimes i think this job in melaka has taken away their soul..
while everyone is busy thanking the teachers in melaka, everyone forgot about the ones in manipal. nevertheless i figured the ones in melaka are closer to us in our hearts as they are the ones who taught us in clinics, brought us into the clinical world. and of course, they are a part of us now, doctors.
However this is the last event for 110 people as a batch. i am happy that we managed to take a batch photo. in the future i will flip pass this photo and say there, i was in the class of 2015.

Tonite, i was so busy taking snaps with everyone that i just gave up on eating the food provided. when i looked for food, its all gone.
The feeling of joy is estatic, the more snaps i took the happier i am. Soon we will be all over the country,some i might not see anymore. for now, ive engrained all of these peoples presence in snapshots. i hope i dont look tired in those shots. these few days had been tiring for me.

i heard somewhere that the joy u feel are the reflection of how much suffering one has gone through. and between each suffering there is a gap for joy.  i find that interesting because if its true it would reflect how much suffering ive had during finals.
since i understood the phrase 'this too will pass', the same phrase crops into my mind every now and then. Its kind of a reminder now, to live in the moment, to cherish it at that moment because once its gone, its over and done. I think thats why i feel humbled by each happy moments i have. each happy moments now i feel obliged to give thanks.

Tonight had been a memorable one as well.
a mini gathering between 6 people, playing board games. its just pure fun.

I am a doctor

Not long ago i mulled over how static my life was. i was still stuck in med school.
Then finals came and it was a do or die affair.
Finals came and went, while waiting for results, i suddenly felt time went on a stand still. Time was in abundance. I finally had the chance to do whatever i wanted.
Today official results came out and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. shortly after that everyone buzz like a bee and proceeded to pack. we officially have 6 days to pack and move out. 133 per week for extra time to move out.
6 days to say goodbye to friends and places. 6 days and everyone will part ways.
It feels very rushed. I dont remember being this rush last time.

im still sinking into the news that i am now a doctor. theres a title in front of my name now.
i am supposed to be ready to manage patients. i am supposed to be safe and competant.
i feel terribly worried with all the 'supposed to'.

This too shall pass..
all the more to cherish each second of it.

today is a memorable day.
thank you.

Mr. Holmes

Mr Holmes the movie portrays an old frail sherlock holmes.
The great detective who is suffering from senility, in the countryside with his bees.
every cough, every weakening voice and each fall in the movie potrayed by ian mckeller brings sadness to me. everyone ages, even sherlock holmes.
The movie started off with many recollections,bits and pieces from holmes who is having memory problems. It gets interesting with the small boy who was very fond of bees and seemed to have taken an affection for holmes.
Its nice to see holmes liking the boy as well. gives a very grandfatherly feeling.
The loose ends tie up pretty neatly in the end. theres a few twist to the plot when the plot plateaus which brings me back to anticipation. i like how the camera zooms in on holmes expression. the appropriate use of background music to express each emotion.

while this movie doesnt focus on holmes famous complex cases, it did signify holmes last days pretty well. I find this movie realistic, focuses on the complexity of the human mind, proves to us that logic can only bring us this far and that it is no fool proof. It shows the regrets of sherlock holmes, maybe his flaws. If it only showed the strength of holmes without any flaws, then it wouldnt have given the impact it meant in this movie.

It ends with holmes praying to a bunch of stones, each representing a person who had left him. I find this very appealing. afterall in the end we only have ourselves. maybe when holmes pray to those stones he is also making peace with whatever unfinished business he had with the people who left him.

It did killed abit of sherlock holmes image in me. the confident,ever mysterious holmes whom i thought never age.

now im awaiting for pan. 

Its packing time again

I never learn.
Why is there so much stuff
Wish magic is here to compress everything and just charm them back home.


im into day 3 of packing my stuff.
the above are repeated thoughts that come through my mind. the last massive packing i had was 2.5 years ago, exactly the same anguish i have as now.

Selling stuff off is an option to get rid of them but no one buys them. till now i only got rid of 3 items and that with massive loss. few bucks each item, hardly sufficient to buy one starbucks.

ever felt what ocd people felt? the disgust over dirty hands? the urge to wash them off every now and then? its exactly how i feel each time i touch stuff with layers of dust in it. sometimes unknowingly i would touch my arm and then my skin itches. then i go shower and cleaning process is halted.
the most awaited times during this whole cleaning business is time to go out or the times when i get so exaushted i just collapse to sleep.

there are some happy reminders too during cleaning. like all those random presents ive kept aside. the cards written by friends. its nicely stored in a box now, to be added into the main box of memories at home.

15% cleaning done. another 75 more to go

My parting writeup

I feel the weight on my shoulders, my hearts heavy with it. 

I am talking about an issue ive kept in the dark for so long. 

Its time to throw away this weight before i embark on another phase of adventure.

Talking it out to my friend, i feel lighter and more free. More importantly, when i talk about it i can hear my own thoughts, feel my own emotions, reflect on it. 

Theres been a good few times since i talk about it. each time after i feel the issue is getting more trivial. I have slowly learnt to see it as a past memory, a memory which i learn to control how my emotions react to it. 

I am talking about my story with X.

In a few more days from now i will start packing my things. Its not the same as before. Its never the same.

i remember walking into this very room without even cleaning it prior because i was busy texting. i remember bringing in limited stuff and that the room echos when i speak. i remember my parents helping me unpack and putting on the grey curtain which is still unwash since it was hung 2 years ago. i remember how resentful i was coming into this state and being here.

I remember the numerous nights i cried in this room, the numerous times the most heartbreaking conversations i had in this room, the few times few friends cry with me in this room, or at least their eyes turned red seeing me cry. I remember the nights in this room where i feel so much pain and it was unbearable that i prayed in this room. I had few conversations with god right here in this room.

And in this room i remembed looking at facebook at the most shockening discovery and burst into tears. I also remember the times i locked myself inside this room, away from people, in the hopes of having some time alone and sulk.

In this room too i found solace in the dhamma talk. It witnessed my anxiousness for many many exams, feel my determination to do well at times. It provided me a comforting bed to rest, to do nothing and a cloud of personal space. In this cubicle i had many many happy conversations filled with laughter. Many awesome experimental dishes were created in this room and it hosted many visits whereby feeding people gave me alot of joy. It witnessed some of the moments i felt i found hope and peace. It witnessed my rise from being an awful driver to a better one. It saw how many words i can churn out, recording my life tale. 

It has been a good stay and i wish that the person after me enjoy this room as much as i do. 

It never occured to me that the most memorable thing on this campus for me turned out to be this room. 

The very day i came back i knew the time will come when i leave this place. The very day i moved in i knew one day i will move out. It seems surreal and it still does seem that way. 

I took for granted those moments i came back. Along the way i wanted to fast forward to the ending. and somewhere nearing the end, i realised that i wanted to prolong this story. 

I understand now the deep meaning of the saying 'this too shall pass'

The last exam for this whole 5 years

Today is the last exam in this 5 year period.

It did not end with any victory dance or champagne popping.

I just wanted to go back, collapse and sleep. And that didnt happened as well.

I was the first few candidates this time. which meant i was always the first group to attempt clinical exams. it meant i had to get up early which really isnt a good timing. my brain is fuzzy in the mornings. on nights where i have to sleep early i end up having sleepless nights.

Pre quarantine room has a buzzer. each time it goes off it sets a new wave of tension to those in the room. at the end of 3 buzzers, the usherers will call in a new set of candidates. i look forward to my number being called out each time as waiting for ones turn with the buzzer going off every 10 mins is abit too stressful. if i could read everyones mind it would sound lets just get it done and over with.

the number of people slowly shrank and the stress levels escalates higher and higher. it was at one point where i observed everyone just shut their books and stare into space. a few resorted to discussing with their peers. not many people touched the sandwich given which was just miserable thin spread of jam or mayo or sardin in 2 miserable thin dry looking bread. even i avoided the sandwich.

twice i jumped on my feet when the usherers called my number. and twice too they asked me to sit and that i have 2 mins before i can move. it made me looked like a fool.

my first pitstop was ong lead by an examiner with a weird gait. he was like a hawk, zooming in on every mistake i made during running commentary. its scary to have 4 examiner looking at what u are doing. but i survived though i was very jittery. only the surgeon was trying to help and i was grateful for that. the rest stood quietly, poker face. i stopped looking at any of them except the surgeon.
next stop was a kid lying on the bed. looks normal but abnormal. everything in peads was a disaster. i cannot recall much, stood there fumbling. remember how gordon ramsay always screamed get a grip at the contestants when they are going down? there was no gordon ramsay here, but i was going down. when the bell rang i knew i screwed up.
my last shot was surgery. never had i feel so happy when i saw a thyroid goitre. i thank god that i practiced thyroid often. i managed with a few prompts here and there. it wasnt a straight forward thyroid case, when the surgeon exposed the chest, there stood the mastectomy scar. my god.. i had missed it but now i know its metastasis.

the bell rang for the final time and i was done. i muttered thank you and stood at one corner until the usherers told me  i had to get inside the post quarantine room. i feel tired and quite screwed.

post quarantine room is small, stuffy and we were quite packed. every 30 minutes new faces will join the room and its filled with a buzz. everyone wants to know what everyone got. theres a hole up the quarantine room, it was so noisy that the next door could hear us. 3 times examiners told us to keep quiet and obviously no one heeded. the 4th time the examiner came,he was so pissed i could hear the f word. since then, it was deafening silence.
the buzzer was still there, and its the sole reason why i couldnt sleep. i regaled my exam moments to many many people. listened to their exam moments too. i was hungry and drained. i was 1 hour away from my bed in campus, not getting onto the return bus anytime soon.

the moment where we could board the bus was liberation. i slept, woke up and wondered when i slept off. and i was halfway back to campus.

exam is over. now is just results time.

i have tried. now i pray for courage to face the outcome.
5 years of learning has just been completed.

A blessed day

Today is one of those days i feel blessed.

Today i thank god for letting me chose the lot with a psychiatry case.

I had been having a strong gut feeling that i will get psychiatry but because of my horrible performance during osce, i was filled with alot apprehension..

psy is my strongest subject so far.

Because of this it had been a game changer. i now feel positive that i will and i can clear these final papers. to be honest the whole time since finals started i was feeling shitty. i didnt feel the stress i used to feel and i was very much disturbed that its a sign that everything is going to go haywire.

today is a sign that really, everything is out of control. all i should do is to keep calm and have faith. 

The positivity notes that i resonant on this page seems superficial. it sounds abit fake to me but i do not deny that i feel exactly like this. 

bells of travelling has started ringing. it gets me excited. :) 

i wonder whats it like to see the same sky as X. 

i worry too that going to the same zone as X will trigger my sadness. i shall take this as a test to me letting go. i never thought that one day i will go into the same place as X. 

one more round to go.

truly, i am blessed. 

matter of the heart

These past few days i can sense that i miss X alot.
that feeling that comes deep down my heart when i remembered memories of X in it. the good and the bad memories.
the urge to suddenly tell X something random only X isnt here.
i cant bring myself to write another email to X because i am sure X doesnt read my mails. i dont have the heart to send it because i know X is happy and i want to keep it that way. Isnt this what i wanted last time, to see X moved on in life and be happy.

Why i feel X is the closest person to me is because ive took off all barriers of myself and let X know the real me. the flaws in me as well. i have taken off all the protective walls ive built and that is why i feel so much of pain. Do i regret it? no because that is how true relationships should be. just because im afraid of getting burn doesnt mean i should avoid the fire completely.

it frustrates me sometimes that certain friends dont understand what i try to tell them. in a way, i realised what C actually told me was true, it shows the wisdom C has because of her age. i didnt tell C the latest feelings i have. C doesnt need this extra unnecessary burden and i dont want C to scream at me. sometimes i feel C is able to read my mind without me saying. i value C alot, like family now.

after this exam business i really want to get all this emotions sorted out. i need a retreat for myself. some time off, do things i wanna do, run off for an adventure. i need to recharge myself. i still feel annoyed that my parents hadnt understood my need to recharge myself during the middle of the year. but then whats the use of those frustrations now?

when i write i hear my own thoughts. though its not as good as what i used to be able to write but it helps me vent. its a lot of emo stuff up there. it can only get better now.
one tiny step a day no. 

Alot of wondering

Today i saw 3 mothers with their kids in a cafe. the 3 mothers were around 30plus, they chatted non stop while their kids play with one another.
it makes me wonder how my life will be when i am at that age.
since awhile ago i look forward to turn 30 but now i am not so sure. looking at teenagers or anyone with the same age as me i feel very old. medicine and its constant need to keep reading has matured my brain much ahead of other people.
while i still yearn for adventures and to contribute to humanity, i pause now for a moment. being normal is much easier than being phenomenal.

i had thought that i would end 5 years of labour with improved dedication, my hopes are well buried. i cannot stop feeling that this 5 years is becoming draggy and exams are too routine to be bothered. there isnt much enthuisism in finishing strong.

that sense of failure i get when i was in the psychiatry osce last wed still lingers around. my very best subject, and yet i faltered and crumbled in that station.

what can keep me going in medicine?
soon i hope i will have an answer to this. because without that i dont know if i can last  my working years. 

No cullying of strays!

There has been few cases of rabies reported by the veterinary department, 2 states declared to have rabies case and a week long of outcry from dog lovers over the recent decision of penang state cullying stray dogs.

As a dog lover i strongly think its a very immature situation. do we start killing people when h1n1 or ebola outbreaks occured? we quarantine, vaccinate, treat and try to condone transmission as much as possible. im given an impression that humans life is much more precious than animals. this is prolly the reason why wildlife continues to go extinct. as long as such ideas exist in our minds, there will not be an inkling in our minds that we are sharing this earth with other beings.

the rabies outbreak points to a deeper problem. stray population keep on rising because of irresponsible people who dump their pets, pet owners who do not neuter their pets. why do we allow this to happen? the lack of enforcement is one to blame. some pet owners are so ignorant about their responsiblities towards their pets. at the end of the day pet shelters like paws,spca, etc are the ones who help clean the mess. these people adopt strays, vaccinate them, and nurse them back to health. please also be reminded that these shelters are non govermental organisation, solely operated by donations and volunteers of compassionate people. they did a good job. with this dog cullying business, it has broken many hearts of these animal lovers. i sense their sadness, their despair over not able to do anything, not able to protect the fragile strays.

the most outrageous thing ive heard so far is there is not enough vaccines available to vaccinate these dogs. to add oil into the anger of many other people, no one brought up how we can solve this problem. instead, they jump on the idea of mass killing. can a doctor say im sorry i do not have enough antibiotics to treat ur infection, can i please amputate ur limb? in medicine, we all have been taught and engraved in our brains that each life is sacred and very much important irrespective of whose life it is. this event violates everything i have been taught.

enough said, i am against the mass cullying of strays.

Chatting with myself

All this while i have been looking at the wrong direction. partly because i had been taking advices literally.
i had thought time will fade my sorrows away. in between waiting for time to act, i found anger. i was angry at why i was miserable and stuck here and being forgotten.
and then i realised i had to let go because holding on hurts me more. letting go to me was just forgetting it, and just walk away.
what i had done wrong was i failed to acknowledge that i cannot change what has already occured. all this while i had been trying to fix things, to mend things and perhaps fantasize about forcing things to go my way.
what i now know that since this fall out with X i have learnt more about myself. i have found out my own weaknesses,and with it i found some dhamma teachings. this has to occur, i am growing and this is one of the things that i have to learnt in life.
i spent many months stuck in a rut, my brain is my worse enemy and convinced i couldnt snap out of it. its with this personal issue i can relate well to psychiatry. i can probably understand why mental illness is a torture, u get stuck in ur own thoughts, stuck in those mind blocks and no one seem to understand nor can they reach u.
it is for this reason i am very much fascinated by the mind and its powers.

i miss X dearly at times.
i miss the times we had. the jokes and the little things we do for each other.
but then if it didnt end, death will part us as well no?
Prolly after losing X i am now a little enlightened.

i wasnt kidding about renouncing the world by becoming a nun. many a times i mentioned it to my friends who laugh at my casual mentioning.
i still think of it, when i have a chance later in life.
i now understand alittle why most great doctors are god fearing religion loving peace seeking people. in medicine wisdom comes with experience but to practice medicine one needs compassion. who else can teach compassion better than religion? those philosophies and wise stories..

and this is why instead of saying prayers by asking god for a,b, c,etc i now only ask one thing. that is please guide me.

:)

Exams and hair

So far so good..
after 5 years of rigorous stressful exams, i have learnt the art of becoming calm. at least i am able to sleep without taking medications.
i have been wondering if this unusual calmness is because ive burnt out my enthuism for the exams or because this round there isnt any grand reward waiting for me like last year.
the worse is coming soon. soon when i have to go through clinical sessions i wonder will i still be calm..

on the contrary note, after many many many months of battling my stubborn curly and odd length hair, it finally has grown to an acceptable length where it can be tied.
just today my friend taught me how to tie a proper pony tail after days of teasing me about my inability to tie one. honestly i only know how to grab all of my hair and tie it. the ponytail lesson turn out to be a disaster. its time consuming and takes quite alot of effort. even now drying hair after baths is taking abit of toll on my sleep time.

just how long more i can take this long hair business i shall see when i begin working.
this change of image, its because i remembered a remark X said to me. i dont know how it went on but i left my hair long uncut. until this length now.
well.. 

My other interest

I never knew that one day it would be me fascinated by a monks talk.

I wonder now what is it like to be a monk and how do one train for monkhood.

Its quite interesting listening to ajahn brahms talk, which was introduced to me by a friend of mine when i was in despair over my own life events.

The talks opened up many perspectives of issues i never thought about. its closely related to psychology, a realm i find quite interesting.

I am still in the process of re-tuning to my brain.

I find myself getting more fascinated the more talks of his i hear. 

In the process i gained more insight about my own religion. I never am a fan of dharma talks. neither do i understand why so many senior doctors are so into religion. now i do understand abit.

i hope i will become wiser with this. 

something to ponder about

a good read
im still in stage 2


markmanson.net>4stagesoflife

When hearts communicate

This is prolly one of the few best things a friend said to me.
Its such a beautiful status.
 wisdoms in a short passage and that is how letting go means. 

the pondering brain

The brain is weird thing.
When its tired of fighting, it caves in to losing.
and when it hits rock bottom and realises the only option it has now is just to fight.
finish strong, finish it phenomenally.

living too many days in the past.
until i forgot how day light looks,how the warmth of the  sun feels, and the taste of freedom.
the brains own enemy is itself. really.

#vicetone #nothingstoppingme

A chat with my inner soul

I have heard this talk sometime ago, it just struck my mind just now.
A mother who had given birth to a stillborn baby was grieving,and she was struck with anger towards as why this had happened to her. Someone asked her, if given a choice,would u rather not have conceived this baby in the first place?
the mother obviously said no. it was worth it.

the reason why i thought about this was i had forgotten to ask myself a very important question.
given a chance, would i not known X?
i would answer what the mother answered above.

i only realised how much good things that had happened to me after X left. i was too busy focusing on the part X left, blamed myself and X. getting angry, sad and then hurt. its a viscious cycle.
i understood the above story but i understood it with my mind. i didnt accept it.
all this while, i think i own X. because of this i lost my individuality,maybe brought pain to X for my behaviour. because i think i owned X and its for this reason i think X should give in to whatever i ask for because this is how property ownership works.
what i didnt really get it was X came, shared a part of my life and left for her adventure. i wanted more and more of X. really.

the next time i start my mental torture i will again ask myself the same question.
i did at some point wish i didnt meet X but its not true. i still smile at our memories when it crosses my mind.

and again i ask myself dont u think X deserve better?
yes X does deserve better. the smile i see X has on her photos are the ones i never see before. the next time i find myself moping sad over how forgotten i am in X life i will ask myself again this above question. though im supporting non violence, i would actually be violent if i rob X of her smile she deserves. do i really want to see X gloomy n sad? and if i did see that would i be happy i caused someone so much of misery?

i think the greatest thing to this issue is when my friend told me i lost myself when i became to involved in X's life. i agree,i was lost and confused.

all this great life philosophies i write up here,its great talk. really. as to how much i can live up to whatever i write i dont know. i wish one day i can finally scream eureka! ive learned the principles above. and perhaps that was wat X  presence is all about in my life.

recently in my revision class, one professor told us the best tears are always bittersweet. i wish those tears rolling down my cheek is bittersweet. becaude that would mean i am whole heartedly joyful for X.

Writing beyond pages of a book or a fiction story

Ever read a book and hated the ending? and then wishing to change it? or perhaps go through a phase of hating the author for writing such an ending?
I think generally writers love the idea that they are in control of whatever they write. sometimes they forgot too that they dont really write their own life story. its god who does it, if u really believe in one. fate if u dont agree to god. atheist call it choice.

I too was lost as the writer.

Growing up fears

This growing up thing is pretty scary to think about
its like being isolated from an animal pack and be expected to fend for urselves.
although this isolation in human is more gradual but still at times i feel scared.
scared because of the uncertainties out there yet exhilarated that im about to discover the world is pretty much limitless.
eventhough i am a captain of my own vessel, i still not have a concrete sailing direction.
along with this thought, there is an inner sense of loneliness. i can sum it as 'every man for himself'.

I too wish i can reforget

Listening to this song brings a sense of familarity.. its something i can relate to.

The days ahead

The scariest feeling a blank paper has on me is that its ability to make me face my deepest thoughts, my fears and my doubts. its as good as being naked. and i absolutely hate this vulnerable feeling.

5 years journey is going to end. now suddenly towards the end, other people are begining to address me as doctor. its a surreal feeling. suddenly this doctor pretending business is about to get serious. i can feel the heavy weight on my shoulder already. part of me at times want to hide inside this protective shell of mine, called the medical school.
the workplace system is currently unfavourable, any delay from moving ahead is going to be a setback for me. slowly the demotivating messages i received before begining medical school is turning into reality.i truly wonder if my fragile soul can survive housemanship.

Melaka had been a bittersweet start. the 4 walls of this room has witnessed my many failing moments. I am begining to feel saddened as the days of bidding adieu is creeping up on me day by day. Anticipatory grief they call it. I know i am having one off and on. Friends whom ive loved, hated, annoyed, wished dead, etc are soon to be mashed apart into 13 different states soon. I used to be better in moving on, forming superficial relationships. i wonder again how did i breezed through those times in spm and a levels.

I am like a sea farer, out on the sea too long. always yearning to sail to freedom, yet feeling seasick at the same time. contradictory isnt it?

The heart wants what it wants. Period.

Some things just..

When my phone went missing i went into a frenzy.It was like the last thing left just went missing. There were many things in it that i lost together with the phone which gave alot frustration as time goes by. I was still very angry at sai after i lost my phone. So i decided to change my number after getting a new phone on that same day. Little had i realised that by changing my number i had to deal with the bank as well.

I still remember sai number till now. I have tried calling so many times in the past. All my calls went unanswered. Just like my mails. Then i knew that sai changed number as well. I could feel it. My world crashed. Mixture of sadness and anger.

Today i try again that number. True enough it now belongs to another person.
Sai once told me, we will have to learn to live without each other. I am trying to but to miss someone badly and memories keep popping up. Chin told me one day i will realise that crying is useless. Funny because i am still crying each time i go through this again and again.
How many times have i had a chat with god. And i still am the same.

Part 7

Lump in the throat.
Something i read about and something i experienced. the mere action of writing to someone but then it gets too awkward that its inhibited.
I miss sai badly. it comes off and on. i brush it off most of the times and times like this it gets close to sending an email. i used to send a couple last time, angry emails sometimes pleading emails. i can remember my needy words well till now. and each time i cringe at that memory.
What to write, theres nothing to talk about. it just adds to the misery as i know my mail will never get replied.
hadnt i forgotten sai last words to me,  leave sai alone.
It must be my unstable hormones. Always happen around this cycle.
i cant be god damned friends with the whole world.
and despite being miserable,i realised god has given me a friend. only that i compare every bloody friend with sai. 

A night like this

Nights like this is where i am very much awake.

weekends fly by quicker than ever.

it is nights like this i feel the fire inside me, raging to be better and stronger.

There is this melanchony i feel as well. Darker than the night, almost like a black hole. sucking in each dream and aspirations. 

It is on these nights i self reflect alot. the past, present and future. It is at these nights my heart felt the same gnawing pain. I am used to it now. It will have to stop by its own at some point.

Life is static for now i feel, i have my own doubts, that it was me who is more consumed by loneliness. 

Funny eh, 

because i truly honestly dont know what i want.

Palliative Care

It was because of family history when i signed up for the cancer and palliative seminar. I expected it to be grim, solemn and depressing. In some ways, it was that way but a realisation came together with it. That our system could be improved upon and there are many people that work tirelessly to make cancer care better. Hats off to those people. 

There were many instances in the talk that specialists would lament, on the facilities being there but patients are not coming forth. I find it personally alarming that our education system has not brought awareness to the public. Taboo,isolation and public shaming about cancer still exist today. Even in some medical fraternity minds. 

With this talk, i count my blessings because when my grandma was dying of cancer, my aunt who was a nurse knew how to take help from hospice, educated my family members on taking care of my grandmother. I guess in our setting, only those with members in the medical line would know what to do. It is indeed unnerving. 

My whole week had alot of exposure with palliative in it. I met a palliative specialist who shared some info with us. I have to say, this is my first encounter with a palliative specialist, and the first impression was,wow, this is exactly what i imagined a palliative specialist to be. Call it admiration in the first sight. Palliative care is a subspecialty. Not many would made it into this level, however palliative nursing is gaining abit of popularity. There is something in this specialist demeanor, the calmness in composure and articulation of words. Every word was said in harmony and appropriateness. Indeed, google told me i am looking at one of our countrys pioneer in palliative care. It is indeed an eyeopener.

http://www.thestar.com.my/Lifestyle/People/2014/10/23/Born-with-a-threechambered-heart-a-young-man-learns-to-make-the-most-of-each-day/

The article above would tell us an inspiring story of a young gentleman who has a univentricular heart and who is living each day to the fullest.

Reading about him and meeting him in real life is very different. There is something about him,his cyanism, his forthcoming opinions, his openness about his condition. At first i couldnt really describe him, till now, i cant.

Thanks to him, we gained a little insight into palliative care medicine. Hopefully this brief meeting would help us all be better physicians and care givers. 

It is such topics in medical education that gains very little attention but needless to say, it matters the most in real life. These are all the fine tunings to be a better care giver.

Part 6

During our earlier friendship days, Sai went for a conferance some few thousand miles near my hometown. That was the first time we had to stop talking for awhile. It wasnt a pleasant transition. We talked daily, multiple times, many hours. In a way i remember it now, i think we exceeded our quota. And now we ended up not talking at all.

We did emailed a while. Then i was jealous because Sai was also meeting up with Sai's partner. I remembered i was so excited Sai came online in a chat but that time Sai wasnt in a good mood and we ended up arguing.

Sai came back and brought me a phone case. I didnt thought that would be my present. I said my real impression stating it was the most hideous thing on earth and why did Sai bought it. It was a biscuit phone case.
Later only did i knew Sai bought 2 identical phone casing. one for sai and one for me. Because i did mentioned about lets use the same thing together as we did have the same phone model.

I still remembered my enthiusm teaching sai to use the phone. Im not sure if i was really teaching or i was just flaunting my technology skills. Whatever it was, Sai is technologically illiterate. Also unable to multitask to which i tease Sai often about it.

It pains me now to remember at the rage of anger i cut the casing into half and threw it away.
I happened to see a classmate of mine using the same cover in class, to which i enquire where did my classmate bought it. Seeing the cover brought alot of bittersweet memory back. I didnt see such cover since.

Sai did made me promise not to act out in my anger. I did promise but i didnt live up to the promise. It still pains me to remember such details of my anger and its consequence.

Before i left, Sai gave me 4 things. It was very unexpected. Sai left 2 wrapped presents in a plastic bag which i thought was empty. I had refused to take the plastic and left it on the table to which Sai got really angry. Getting Sai to calm down had been very difficult. It was a palm tree keychain which had notes saying hope i plant one because i had made Sai try planting seedlings. another one was an angel keychain. Sai had mentioned that i was like an angel and everytime i see it i should behave like an angel.
Another thing was a wallet, something which i can use daily and kept close to me.
Before i went for a 14 days holiday, Sai had written me a diary. for me to read on my way, something i pestered Sai to do since i was the one writing constantly. It was very touching indeed.

Out of rage, 3 of the things i destroyed.
The diary i burnt later one, after reading it many times. I was sure that Sai would not come back anymore. And i didnt want anyone else to know this about Sai and me. I was more worried about the diary sitting at home.

For sometime i was angry at myself. angry at the fact that my anger got the better of me. When i think of this again, i am deeply ashamed. Its one life lesson learnt the hard way.
I wish i had kept those things with me, perhaps i would feel part of Sai still remain with me.
I wonder if sai had thrown stuff i gave and i wonder what happened to the letters ive written to sai.

Part 5

Sai told me after i moved, tears would stream down whenever Sai passed places we have been together. I didnt take this seriously, i was arrogant, in my mind i was glad sai is going through what i had gone through in our 2 weeks war. 

I was an idiot. If only i had realised that this is how deep our friendship was. 

The same has happened to me as well. Some memories about sai would pop up into my mind sometimes. Like how during my electives i had wanted to text and share something ive come across relevant to our previous communication. Or some things which we have done before together. It feels hollow when such things occur because i know Sai is no longer here. And we have turned into strangers,seperated by time, distance and hostility. 

I remember on my last night Sai was holding me and out of the sudden muttered 'i know i have to forget all of this one day. i will have to get over it and we both have to learn to live without one another'. I was speechless. When i remembered this, Sai was gone. Maybe when Sai had uttered this, Sai had foreseen this was bound to happen. Or perhaps Sai had chosen to sacrifice me. 

One day, sai brought me for lunch in  a shop called paradise. somewhere near the beach. i find it amusing now i recall it. Going to paradise with sai is paradise. I still remember i ate something sai liked, but it was new to me. pineapple cherry cheese in a stick. 

I told my friend if there is one thing i regret, it is going to be sai. It is rare to meet someone whom you can get close to,to be yourself,to share birthdays a day apart. My friend asked me what is it that sai is so different from my other friends? Because, sai was special to me and sai had touched my heart. Because when sai left, my naiivity left as well. Because after that i was skeptical and i believed i would never met someone like sai.

I also remembered sai calling me obsessed.

If obsession was like this, why do i feel the pain over and over again. if obsession can be cured by time why it isnt cured now? 

Someone asked me if i was in love. I sounded like i was. Now if i were to re-answer it, i would say Sai was like my other hand. Its that close. 

Part 4

During 2 weeks of war with sai, i had resorted to running my ass off. I ran hard to tire myself, to stop myself from thinking or crying. Contrary to Sai, i am not an emotionally detached person and i am not very much successful at controlling my mind. Sai could stop thinking about things by keeping busy. I am not such person.

I remember going to breakfast to bump into Sai during those 2 weeks, i was heartbroken when Sai sat at a different table. I also remembered barging to Sai's place,cried and made a scene but Sai remained cool. I think sai became even more pissed. All my letters got teared away emotionless.

I was at fault too. i constantly wanted to break away from sai. i wanted to end our friendship. Now i know it was because of my jealousy. And i had felt insecure. If and only if i was honest to talk about it,  or to realise that losing Sai was worse i wouldve save myself from this.

It was during one of my gym moments i saw Sai jogging in the track upstairs. I was instantaneously happy, i pretended not to look at Sai jogging but in fact my eyes were observing sai. I had texted Sai a hi, i remember having the impulse to go up and jog at the track but i did not follow that impulse. Sai did not replied my message. Later only did i know Sai had purposely came to gym to glimpse at me,had lingered around near my place but at wrong hours. Sai had told me that Sai was as happy as i am after seeing me.

Sai and I reconcile few days after that, few times after seeing each other at the gym and 4 more weeks till i leave. I dropped by gym around the constant time sai came the first time. I was dissapointed when sai didnt come over but happy as hell when sai came. I remembered just sitting and reading on my table when i saw a miss call from Sai. I had called sai back and we began to talk again.

In my dark moments after Sai left me, i hit the gym daily. i was doing exactly the same thing i did in the past 2 weeks. I ran like crazy. My friends asked if i was trying to lose weight. Some seniors remarked to my friends they admire my determination. Little did they know i was running away literally from my problem. I wish endorphins made me happier. But i know my days did flew faster. It didnt help that i was still in a bad shape nearing my end of semester test. I flunk 2 papers. I just didnt think becoming a doctor was more important. What i wanted that time was to make Sai regret. Truth was, i dont even know if sai cared. Because sai kept mump. I felt my life and sai's life drifted further and further.

In my university exam, i did think of flunking. I did tell my friend that perhaps all i need was another nightmare to get rid of this nightmare. Now i am lucky i did not. That did not meant that i didnt emo after that. I did ask god why i passed it and why drinking made me feel worse. I felt i didnt deserve to pass when i saw friends who worked hard stumble. Honestly, i dont think sai would know what happened to me even if i died. My friend had asked me what if Sai didnt come for my funeral if i really died. would that worth it? All i know is that i am cut out from Sai's life. Even if Sai did talk to me back, i would create a rift between Sai and Sai's partner. To be honest, all i wanted was sai to fight for me,to never give up on me,to tell me that my insecurities are crazy and calm me of my deepest fear. The fact that sai didnt do anything was why i was furious. Come to think of it, i think Sai never would let me stand in between sai and Sai's partner. Otherwise why didnt sai fight for me?
I remembered sai saying she couldnt win the fight on me with Sai's partner during our 2 weeks war. That time, i was touched that she tried which was why i was grateful we reconciled. maybe it was also the fault of my arrogance, the assumption that i was going to win every fight. The fact that i used the 2 weeks to hold sai my emotional hostage,that sai owed it to me.

the 2 weeks war triggered many many other fights after that. now i know i was the one. i was trying to hide my insecurities, my feeling of insecurity made me pushed it all away. Its my fault that Sai remains a memory instead of a reality. This fact is like a slap on my own face.

There is a saying about a dogs life. It goes something like this
'a dog may be one of ur many dogs but to a dog, you are his whole life'
This is how i feel about me and Sai. 

Part 3

My parents think i feel stress because of medicine.
No its not. Medicine itself is stressful but this is not medicines fault. It is my issue with Sai.
And i cannot share this with them. I do not want to worry them nor can i make them understand this.

Why is Sai called sai?
because our proper meeting occured in Saiba.
After my holidays, returning for a fresh semester, i had managed to ask Sai for a dinner together, sai treat. It was an anxious event for me. I had to plan what i want to wear, reach there early,reminded myself to take care of my table manners. It went quite well. i had drunk my 2nd lemon juice, to prolonged our dinner. stuffed to the max, i had managed again to persuit a stop over at the coffeeshop. I wished the night will never end but there was nothing more i could drag further. i remember myself feeling happy.

Before the proper dinner, on a trip in the bus, i had overheard a rather unpleasant conversation about sai. A conversation that had made me feel uneasy, angry at those people gossiping, made me doubted sai. I was disturbed to summarise. I had told Sai what i overheard but i wasnt told the whole story. I remembered one night i just snapped and screamed at sai telling sai i couldnt take this weird behaviour of keeping me in the dark,this hot and cold behaviour. I remember screaming in anger but what else i said i cannot recall now. The effect of the screaming, sai had attitude change towards me. That was the beginning of the friendship between me and sai. It was also the beginning of our many phone calls, texts and my letter writing habit.

I remember Sai told me that our formal relationship crumbled because i had called sai an idiot. What i didnt tell Sai was the fact i am so casual was the fact i liked sai alot. I never could understand this hierachy and need for formalities. 

Part 2

I regret not being honest with myself and Sai
i regret assuming that i could be generous and be god like. I am a man, and as all men, i too have my own weaknesses and flaws.
It was jealousy and anger that took Sai away from me. I was poisoned by jealousy, jealousy of newly married sai, anger at what i could not have or dream to have.
I remember sai telling me that sai didnt want to lose me but gut feeling told sai that we would part  and i remember those words till now. i remembered too after hearing those words, i had just dismissed it of as ya ya it wont happen or i had muttered that i too doesnt want to lose sai.

words, promises as easy and casually it can be said shouldnt be said if its not meant.

I assumed that sai would come looking back for me like the 2 weeks fight we had. i was over confident and an idiot. after that massive fight sai had ignored me and i was furious as ever. i succumbed to anger, threatening, spamming texts and mails, calling acquaintainces. The last call i had gotten from Sai, was to leave sai alone and that i had caused enough trouble.

And that was how my darkest period started. Blank stares, endless tears,sitting and mopping in the room, forlorned. I wouldve diagnosed myself with depression but at that time, i really thought i was mere sadness. Till the day Sai moved and left elsewhere, we had 0 conversations. Till now, 2 years since we stopped talking, Sai did not return to find me. The last time i checked, i found out sai has settled somewhere, found a job and the cost of this information had ignited my heartache again. I wonder if sai has any children now but in my minds eye i see sai settled and happy. without me.

There is a song called love not enough by raymond lam, which i repeatedly listen to, with hopes that i grasp his wisdom he tries to impart in it. He sings let go, because u did not love enough and that if they are happy with this seperation, just let it be cause not everything u need to own it. Some days i agree some days i dont. Now i think i begin to understand it.

Have you ever miss someone so badly that your heart feels hollow? And when you know your presence will bring unhappiness to that person you just wallow down that missing feeling and let the tears stream down your cheeks? Because the other person doesnt need to know about this and i feel that i owe this to Sai. And if by doing this can make sai happy and peaceful, i am ready to accept this scar as a part of myself.

Part 1

To a friend i once had, to my only reader who thinks i can write well

Once upon a time, i did thought to become a writer and once upon a time i did enjoyed writing eventhough it was just letters.Like all stories, something happened and i took my anger into not writing anymore. In fact, i did ended up in a writers block, my writing momentum stopped, and my ielts writing i got 6.5. Words, i have come to realise resonate in my mind when i am happy. Its also a blunder that i hadnt noticed i was happy, very happy during those times.

There is a wall in my room, pasted with glow in the dark stars. the stars as months goes by has multiplied in numbers. those stars i used to like looking at while lying down on bed. now i look at those stars at night while i lay awake at night, my brain sorting out its many emotions. the stars have witnessed my many turmoils, my anxieties, my happiness and my burnt out moments. i wonder in few more months when i move out, what will happen to those stars.

I have thought about writing this story down in pen and paper for sometime. I had managed to some extend but then with my fighter mode on, i discontinued it. I had managed to bluff myself that by hiding it and sweeping it all under the carpet, it didnt exist and its all going to be fine. Denial, that is. But what i was wrong was my subconcious mind wasnt free from all this. Some psychiatry law on tip of the iceberg had made me thought of this. My goal now is to write it down, hope that once its written, i can let go.

Every story starts with a meeting. Mine was curiosity. Exactly what drove the curiosity baffles me. Now i would say it was a certain attraction driven by fate and the right timing. Usually i hear a gossip and i discard it but this particular gossip stayed and i went on a trail to persue it. The silly little things i do to try to know someone. I became more aware of this person (shall i call sai). I became more aware of info regarding sai. and i went on to meet Sai. The only problem was sai was cordial, difficult to build rapport and i think i was always forcing a conversation with sai. i went overboard and when i think of it now, its the beginning of an obsession.

I couldve chosen anyone else to help me revise. but my crafty mind used the opportunity to get sai to help me with it. Sai was partly the reason i read more. I was reading more to find more questions to ask sai,so we can have more conversations. I dont know if sai enjoyed talking to me. I have a feeling that sai was trying to be polite but the way i was pushing it was annoying to sai. It went on for sometime. I remembered organising a stopover at sai's hometown, in high hopes of sai being at home that time but it didnt happened. The stopover wasnt that exciting as i had hoped for. nonetheless, it provided me with an opportunity to talk to Sai.

take off time

Getting away from medicine periodically is essential. to maintain sanity.

that is what ive begun to realise.

only when i get away from it will i remember the sole reason why i chose medicine, why medicine is attractive.

in the past few years in clinic ive witnessed many dr vs god situations both personally and while training.

perhaps thats where my get away clock begins ticking away. 

sometimes i wonder whether its me who needs medicine or medicine needs me. i think its me who need it more, its me who wants medicine to bring me to a cure of my own deficiencies. 

i dreamt today of revisiting a place. more of like a fantasy. its not the right time yet. the day will come soon i guess when i m fully ready.

anyways..

a letter

how have u been i wonder
i still wonder sometimes if i didnt act rash. all that what if and what not and all the other ifs
i still revisit those dark times nearing my cycles.
and i guess silence is much preferred because there are so many unspoken things i wish to say,those time gaps and little events i want to fill u in yet i find myself lost in words

my world has grown my brain has perhaps grown more mature. yet i dont feel any lighter in spirit. if i were to choose i prefer to stay where i was because those times i truly felt happy.

in my quest for medicine, medicine has shown me that all along i am trying to medicate myself as well. if medicine was teaching me anything its damn well that human lives are fragile and as much as it feels like we are gods, we never were gods. and that later on, medicine is just a job and never was a life. 

I feel inspired

There is a professor in medicine that i truly respect.
Respect is earned, not sought for neither can it be forced.

This is one professor that i think truly care and bothers to teach properly. Hence any critism and screamings i dont mind. really its for my own betterment. Someday when i am grey and old,i wish i can acheived such standards. Medicine is all about practice, wisdom and experience. the older the ginger the more spicy it is so goes the saying

This is what i noticed is that when this professor walks into the ward, everyone (all layers of staff) gives her a respectful greeting of good morning or whatever. this respect can be felt from the tone of the voice. Everyone approaches this particular professor whenever challenging cases or crucial clinical judgement opinion is sought for. Its pretty amazing scene to watch. There is no such 'i am superior than  u' ego here, theres joke whenever appropriate, even with students. Its rare. honestly the higher ranks people are too obsessed about their superiority.

Who else goes early to wards check every case before allocating it to us students to ensure we get the best case to learn. None of the other professors do that from what ive seen. Truly admire such dedication.

:) by far this is the most inspiring person in medicine. someday, i want to be just like that. with such teachers, how to not withstand the urge to work properly? i hope i can rise high to the expectation. 

At the lrt station

Last week i bumped into a lecturer of mine, in the most unexpected places. in the lrt station nearby my house.

reunions like these are usually least expected but

its had filled my heart with warmth.

The smile that i carved from the corners of my mouth is enough to tell me that in india, i had some of my most memorable life experiences. growing little halos to be a better doctor, thats how i would put it. 

well, now one week has passed and somehow i am happy to recall that this unexpected incident had took place. :)

To my growth

To comprehend something beyond my own capacity can be puzzling and mind boggling.
It can be equated to asking a vegetarian about the taste of meat. Its that alien of an experience.

Someone once told me, with each level of education i clear, i rise one level up the maturity stairway.
In fact, im begining to believe that theres wisdom lying underneath this casual remark.

My constant growth, my ever changing thoughts and believe is a real test to all the friendships that ive made. In fact, in the past, i didnt really acknowledge this aspect and i believed diplomacy was the key to peaceful friendships. Keeping friendships despite knowing it doesnt fit me was the way i thought the best to prevent hard feelings. But many incidents in the past year had taught me the hard way that i cannot defeat the ancient proverb 'time will tell'. Its true people i meet on a daily basis crossed some paths with me but i now see clearly that some of my friendships were made according to the needs at that particular time. Those were short term contacts, it doesnt mean that those friendships were worthless, it just meant that i grew past those as i evolve. People come and go, I made and break friendships as well. Sometimes, i wished people would understand this fact but then how can one comprehend something beyond them? Time will tell..

What was hard to do was acknowledging that ive outgrown those friendships and that ive got to say some goodbyes or endure a dramatic phase. Though sometimes it involves breaking some emotions, it has to be done. because only through this will i feel freedom. a freedom to be true to myself. The ones left with time are the ones i cherish a little more. they have withstood the change of time, stood and witnessed all my growth and accepted all my changes.

For now i need to be surrounded by people who drag me to the positive side. 

Of new beginings

On new years, my friend came up with a random suggestion out of the blue while we were
digging into our meaty feast.
A recall of the good and bad things in 2014. and after each recall, followed by a toast.

Now 10 days later, the truth was that the sole reason why my eyes are filled with tears is because ive found out that those toasts meant new beginings. it didnt matter what the toast was about. the toast had brought me to this realisation.
going to london was a mark that i had close my india chapter. 8 more months till final year ends will also mark the end of the indian connection. goodbyes to friends whom i loving said wasted 5 years of my life with. hello to whatever path i will choose.
its the insecurities i feel, the fear of the unknown that brings tears to my soul. the memories that sometimes reminded me of lost time, lost youth and lost innocence.

getting out of my comfort zone is scary.
i wonder what will this transcend to be. life is full of surprises. i can never tell.
one thing is for sure im turning back to my old self. not quite to the old self but getting there.  maybe thats what wisdom truly is.

The medical monk

Ive heard a quite interesting concept that says final years are like monks
and that medical school are like monastery.
with each step at the monastery, one learns to let go of all the pleasures and desires in life.
whereby the ultimate goal of going to monastery is to be enlightened, for life at the monastery is the begining of the life of a monk. A total spiritual makeover.

I think i will have a very hard time letting of lives simple pleasure.
but i have a strong notion that whatever pleasures i enjoy now has to be repayed in the future.
in debts of humanity.